Three dollar bill

So last night I helped a man pick out a purse.
I was in Target, waiting to get a prescription filled. (just birth control – no exciting new STDs)
So I wandered over to the accessories department. As I was looking at some purses, two guys walked up. I didn’t really pay any attention to them at first. A couple minutes passed and one of the guys said to me, “Excuse me, can you help me with something? I am trying to pick out a purse for my girlfriend.”
I looked from one guy to the other, they were clearly gay.
I didn’t buy for a second that this guy had a girlfriend, but I wanted to be nice. “Sure, do you have an idea of what she might like?”
He launched into this entire speech about how last time he got her a pink one to go with this halter dress that he bought her to take her to a party his “uncle” was throwing. So this time he wanted to get her something in a more neutral tone that could go with more outfits. And it needed to be big enough to hold her cell phone, keys, wallet, a few tubes of lipstick, cover-up, powder, mascara and an eyelash curler (because that’s the one cosmetic she can’t live without) chapstick, hand lotion, sunglasses, etc.

Oh wow. These are the thoughts that quickly ran through my head:

First of all, you are going to buy someone a purse from Target? Now before you label me as the biggest snob ever, let me clarify. There is nothing wrong with purses from Target. I was looking at them – I would have gladly bought one if I had found one I liked. But there is a difference between finding a great cheap item for yourself, and buying it for someone else. It would be like bringing generic beer to a house warming party. Or taking a girl to the taco bell on your first date. There are some things you just don’t do.
It would be different if this guy was in stone washed cut-off jean shorts and a faded Metallica t-shirt, sporting a mullet. But he was dressed really nicely. He was wearing nice dress slacks with a button up from Banana Republic. And it was a new one from the fall line, so I know this guy had some money.
Buddy - I know she is just your beard, but if you want to make it believable, go get her a purse at least from Aldo or something. Even the Gap for God's sake!

Second of all – you’re gay! You are supposed to have good taste! If you buy her dresses and purses, and you dress yourself that well – shouldn’t you be able to pick this out yourself?

Thirdly – you know what an eyelash curler is? Most guys have some clue about makeup from their moms, sisters or girlfriends, but this guy knew WAY too much! He knew exactly what kind of makeup she uses at home, and which items she wouldn’t be able to leave the house without.

Fourth – you’re gay! Its 2005 - it’s perfectly socially acceptable to be gay. Embrace your gayness. Don’t’ date some poor girl who probably brags to her friends about how you are the “sweetest, most considerate, understanding guy in the world.” And if this whole thing is just a cover up and the purse is really for you – that’s ok too! But if you want my honest advice about fashion, you’re gonna have to start being honest with me.


Nevertheless, this guy seemed like a perfectly nice fellow, and I wanted to help him out. So we walked around and picked out a couple that might work and I left the two of them there to decide on the winner. As I walked away, I heard him say to his friend, “wouldn’t it be cute if I could find a matching coin purse?”

Wow.

Money is better in color

Why did Iron and Wine sell out and give their song, “Such Great Heights” to an M&Ms commercial?
Have you guys seen it? It’s a bunch of M & Ms swirling around in a pattern that reminds me of those trampoline montages from That 70’s Show.
I guess I take this a little personally, because it’s one of the great songs from the Garden State Soundtrack.
I know Iron and Wine hasn’t achieved massive success yet, and I am sure that they got a lot of money for the song, but still, it makes me sad.

Going Nowhere Slowly

Why is it that when singers do acoustic versions, do they feel the need to sloowwwww waaaaaaaayyy down?
Go ahead – use your artistic freedom and flare to spice the song up a bit – like the way Billy Joel does with Piano Man. But please try to remember, the reason why you got this acoustic gig is because we liked the original song so much. So at least try to make it resemble the original. I love the new “Chariot” song by Gavin DeGraw.
Heck, I love Gavin DeGraw! He is great, and totally cute, and he is friends with Zach Braff, so it makes me like him 10 times more. (Zach actually directed the video for Chariot!)


But recently, Gavin was here in Denver and performed live at our local radio station, Alice. I went to see him and when he started playing this song, it was so slow I almost thought it was a joke at first.

“Oh.…Char.…iot….your….Gol.…den….wa….ves.…are.…walk….ing….down….up….on….this.…fa….ce.…”

It was soooo slow!
And his guitar playing didn’t even remotely go with his singing. Not even close, it sounded like he was playing a totally different song! We get it buddy – you are an artist – you can probably sing scat if you wanted to. But please – you are still just a little fish.
You need to win us over before we’ll go along with your random wailing.

Speaking of annoying acoustic versions, does it bother anyone else that Alanis Morissette has released “The Jagged Little Pill – The Acoustic Version”? It is the EXACT same 12 songs as the original “Jagged Little Pill” that she put out like 10 years ago! She just sings them acoustically this time around. Are you kidding me? You are basically a one hit wonder. Well, really a one album wonder. But you haven’t done anything that anyone has even heard of since then! And now you think that you are good enough to re-release this album? Who do you think you are? Eric Clapton? The Rolling Stones?
I am sorry little miss angry, but are you kidding me?
Even the album cover has barley changed:

OLD: NEW:

Ok, so here’s the really bad part – they are actually playing this new version of “you oughta know” on the radio! Come on people! This song was pretty good back in the day – but now? NO! She is old and washed up and clinging onto an audience that doesn’t want her!


On a happier note, the BEST SHOW EVER was on last night! LAGUNA BEACH, baby!!!

Last night was the premier of the second season. I LOVE this show!
And last nights episode was FANTASTIC!
Last season we watched a great love triangle between LC, Stephen and Kristin.
This season promises to have much more drama between these three! And there are some new hot kids in town to spice things up. So you guys should really watch it!
And, for anyone that wants to give me a present, just cause – you should totally buy me the first season DVD. And I will seriously be your friend.

The Gorgeous LC

Smokin' Hot Stephen (yummy!)

That skanky bitch, Kristin

Toy Soldier

Oh lord – simmer down people!
The movie, Wedding Crashers, has gotten the Vietnam Vets a little riled up. In the movie and on their website, they suggest posing as a Purple Heart recipient to get chicks. You can read the full article here – but this is the best line:

"Talk to some of these people who don't have legs anymore and see how funny they think that movie is."

Speaking of people posing as military personnel, I once knew a guy who REALLY REALLY wanted to be a Marine.
So much that he lied about enlisting to his friends and family.
He lied about taking a ride in a fighter jet as part of the recruitment process.
He even went so far as to BUY a uniform from the military store and actually wear it out to the bars. He would go out and get free drinks all night and have people thanking him for being so noble. And you know what the worst part about this was?
He was proud of himself! He bragged, “People showed me so much respect, I had so much power.”
Wow, that guy was a real prize piece.
But karma will always come back to get ya!
He just recently got married to a selfish, controlling, manipulative, spoiled girl with bad teeth who doesn’t believe in washing her crotch.
So in his defense, I am sure his marriage is somewhat like the military.

Gwen*: Alright you maggot, get your pansy ass out of bed and get me breakfast.
Nat*: Ma’am, yes ma’am.
Gwen: You are not spending enough time with me – get rid of all your friends so you have more time for me.
Nat: But, I like my Star Wars figurines…ma’am.
Gwen: I don’t give a flying fuck, you poor excuse for a man– get rid of them!
Nat: Ma’am, yes ma’am.
Gwen: And while you’re at it – get rid of the 3 series beamer. It’s so white trash. Get me a 7 series, you shit bag.
Nat: Ma’am, yes ma’am.
Gwen: Now, tell me I am beautiful, you shit for brains.
Nat: You are beautiful, Gwen. But you know what would make you even more beautiful? Maybe if we got those teeth of yours fixed – or at least cleaned.
Gwen: WHAT? I am the most beautiful creature in the world. You are so fortunate to be with me. You should thanks your lucky stars, you ape-like douchebag!
Nat: You are right, you are so perfect, I am lucky to be your slave, er, I mean husband, ma’am.
Gwen: Ok, to make it up to me - get down there and give me oral pleasure.
Nat: But you don’t bathe….ma’am.
Gwen: What? What did you say to me, you scumbag? I bathe!
Nat: But you don’t use soap down there…ma’am.
Gwen: Boy, I am gonna whomp your ass if you don’t get down there immediately! MOVE IT FATSO!
Nat: Ma’am, yes ma’am.

Ahh, isnt' it great how everything evens out in the end?

* These names have been changed to protect the innocent – me.
I don’t want that psycho “Nat” showing up at my house with a “military” issued gun.

Wonkatastic!

The first (and only) time I watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, I had nightmares for months.
It wasn’t the sight of little tubby-kins Augustus Gloop being sucked up a tube, or Veruca Salt plunging to her death, or even watching Violet swell up to Anna Nicole Smith(pre Trim Spa) size.

No, no – it wasn’t any of that – those little kids were naughty and they deserved the torture they got. (At least that’s what my mean babysitter told me so I would stop throwing peanuts at her head.)
No, all of that was just fine – it was those damn Oompa Loompas!
Those creatures scared the shit out of me. With their creepy little bodies and bright orange faces and those scary chant-like songs they would sing. I hated them. I still hate them. I have refused to watch that movie since I was little. We did that play in high school and whenever the actors would sing those songs, I would have a mini panic attack. Lucky, I played Augustus Gloop, so I was too hot inside a huge pillow stuffed costume to really pay attention to what was happening.

I actually played one half of Augustus Gloop. We changed the character to be Siamese Twins, so my BFF, Mande, and I were the Gloop Twins. Our costume was fantastically horrible - we used a HUGE pair of sweatpants, and each got into one leg, with some atrocious sweater that easily could have fit the entire cast of Celebrity Fit Club. The best part of the whole play was when we fell into the chocolate river. We made a fake chocolate river cardboard cut out that was about one foot high. We didn’t take into consideration that when we got into our costume filled with huge pillow padding, we were easily 3 feet high lying on our backs. So when it came time for us to jump into the river and supposedly be sucked up the tube, the audience could easily watch us attempt to crawl backwards off the stage. Well, with all that padding, we didn’t realize that our huge sweatpants were slowly sliding off as we slithered backwards. So yeah, that was one of about 16 times in high school when I “accidentally” flashed a large crowd.

I digress…. Let’s just say I HATE Oompa Loompas.

But yesterday, I had a revelation:
As I walked to my car and saw my shadow, I realized that my hair totally flips out at the bottom like an oompa loompa!
Maybe the reason I have such a problem with Oompa Loompas is because I look like one!




Hair that flips out at the bottom – check
Big head – check
Orange coloring – check
Short – check
Round – check
Sing badly often – check
Ability to instill fear in those around me - check

(Although this last one may not count, as the fear I cause comes from my loved ones worrying that I am going to combust from a sex, vodka, hotdog overload)

In related Charlie and The Chocolate Factory news –
- Johnny Depp seriously scares me as the new Wonka. I would take him as Scissorhands over Wonka any day of the week. (And by take, I mean invite him over for sushi. And by invite him over for sushi, I mean...well, you know.)

- Check out this picture from the Willy Wonka premier:

Has she never seen the movie, or sung the song?
“I’ve got a golden ticket.” Not, "I have the golden ticket." Stupid Brit.

Pull my finger

My Dad is the best...

"Pull my finger!"

So fun!

Click this link to see some seriously funny shit!

http://www.weddingcrashersmovie.com/crashthistrailer/index.htm?id=40181

Ryan and Bill's expressions are so perfect!

(You are only allowed to open this if you are 21 - no I am not kidding)

Lost in translation

This is awesome...
This is an e-mail that a co-worker of mine just sent out to the company...

"Hello campers!
I have 4 choices for you! Please let me know as soon as possible the campground you prefer, the week-end that works best for you, how many people will you have with your party, how many tents and if you will come on Friday evening or Saturday.
The PC team will pay for the campground fee but you will be responsible for your own food and wood and transportation.
Thanks, Eric
P.S. I need volunteers to pitch my tent."

Eric is from Switzerland, and I am assuming that he has no idea what he just said.

Birthday Pics!

Until I can figure out how to create albums on here, I am just gonna post some pictures right here.
Here are some photos from my 25 1/2 birthday.
Thank you to all of my lovely friends for making it so FANTASTIC!
I love you oodles!

The Whole Gang

Ryan, Bill, James, Vanessa, Bryn, Nicole, Julie, Amy, Me

How hot are we? =)

Brotherly Love

Weeee!

And now for some really hot "throwing out my vibe" pics!

Willie's Vibe

Julie's Vibe

Amy's Vibe

Bryn's Vibe

Nic's Vibe

Ry's Vibe

Wanna see my balls?

As I mentioned in a previous post, last week I got to go to a Rockies game.
And the second most exciting thing of the whole night was when my friend Ryan caught a fly ball!
(The first most exciting thing was getting to eat a hot dog, but I am sure you probably could have guessed that.)
It was great! We had just talked about what we would do if a ball was heading towards us. He said he would try to catch it and I admitted that I would probably duck for cover.
And 5 minutes later – it happened!
Garrett Atkins hit a fly ball and as it started to come down we realized it was heading right towards us! I covered my head and Ryan got ready to catch it. It came down and smacked the seats in front of us and bounced into the aisle. And Ryan got it! The really amazing thing is – this is the second fly ball I have seen Ryan get! He caught one last year at a game we went to! This kids luck is fantastic!
He currently has the ball from last year sitting on his desk at work.
I suggested that he put the new one right next to the old one.
That way, whenever a cute girl comes to his office he can have the following conversation:

Ryan: “Wanna see my balls?”
Cute Girl: "What?"
Ryan: "They're official."
Cute Girl: "What's official?"
Ryan: "My balls...wanna see them?"

All this baseball talk reminds me of a great question one of my friends asked at game:

What would your into music be as you stepped up to the plate?

Here are my suggestions for some of the great (and not so great) pro baseball players:

“Past the Point of No Return” from Phantom of the Opera
for Tony Womack of the Yankees, no explanation needed.

“I walk the line” by Johnny Cash
for Hideo Nomo of the Devil Rays – a 6.80 ERA, almost as many walks as strikeouts.

“Help” by The Beatles
for Cristian Guzman of the Nationals - His .239 OBP is the lowest of any qualifier in all of baseball.

“Stayin’ Alive” by the BeeGees
for Satchel Paige, who was the oldest player to participate in an All-Star Game at 47 years, seven days (1953).

“The Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel
for Dan Kolb of the Braves who’s walked 23 batters in 32 innings.

“Both Sides, Now” by Joni Mitchell
for Billy Bean of the Padres who has played for both teams, and no I am not talking about AL or NL.

“You can’t always get what you want” by The Rolling Stones
for Omar Infante of the Tigers who is going to be in for a lot more bench time in the near future after the acquisition of Placido Polanco and the recent return from the DL of Carlos Guillen.

“Everybody hurts” by REM
for Aaron Boone of the Indians who is The worst player in baseball this season not named Tony Womack or Cristian Guzman.

“I wanna be sedated” by The Ramones
for Jackie Robinson, who is said to have suffered from pronounced symptoms of mental disorder, particularly depression. (We still love ya Jackie!)

“I feel good” by James Brown
for Derrek Lee of the Cubs who currently has a .377 BA

“Born to Run” by Bruce Springsteen
for Bob Hayes of the Cowboys – (yeah, I know that’s NFL, but it was too hard to figure that out for baseball)

“Whole Lotta Shaking Going On” by Jerry Lee Lewis
for Ben Petrick of the Rockies who has Parkinson’s disease. (I know, that was mean)

“Light My Fire” by The Doors
for Kenny Rogers of the Rangers who received a 20 game suspension for his tirade last week against two TV cameramen that left one of them in the hospital.

“Superstitious” by Stevie Wonder
for Wade Boggs of the Red Sox, who would eat only chicken the day of a game, and used to draw a symbol that means “To Life” in the dirt before every at-bat.

“I fought the law” by Bobby Fuller Four
for Darryl Strawberry, who was an All-Star player years ago, but now he's just another guy with a growing rap sheet.

“The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel
for Bo Jackson who is still confused about which sport he wants to play.

“Let’s get it on” by Marvin Gay
for Javy Lopez of the Orioles who is smokin’ hot! (For a baseball player)


Tune in tomorrow when I suggest some intro music for our favorite celebs!

Ramblings Of An Insomniac

I am a little tired after the three day weekend and am completely swamped at work - so I have no time for a new post. So here is a silly e-mail that I sent one morning at 4am to my lovely friends....

BTW - I had back surgery last October and was at home for three months.
I tended to get just a wee bit stir crazy.

(This really isn't even that funny - but if you are bored at work - enjoy.)

"From: Jasmine
Sent: Tuesday, November 30, 2004 4:01 AM
To: Ryan, Bill, Julie
Subject: ramblings of an insomniac...

ramblings of an insomniac...

As this is now the 3rd consecutive evening that I have not so much as yawned before 3:00am, I would like to give you a glimpse into my night life...

These are original thoughts...do with them what you will...

I am currently snacking on Triscuits which I found in Mel's "do not eat these, they have too many carbs" snack bag that she hid from herself at the bottom of the pantry because my parents have neglected to take me grocery shopping for the last two weeks... anyway...on with it...

First of all, did you know that there is a plethora of infomercials on after 1:00am? I am not kidding, I counted 99 channels that were trying to sell me some useless shit, and I only have 98 - so go figure that one out. I would like to share with you a few of my favorites...

- "Slim n' Lift Panty"
Let's begin with a ridiculously overweight host. She has a Canadian accent with a little hmm...Scottish maybe thrown in...odd. Anyway she is sporting a lovely orange jumper that looks like a pumpkin yacked all over her and she forgot to clean it off. Let's call her Tangerine Mama, Tang for short. Tang has droopy eyelids, and appears to be on Quaaludes. Tang is discussing the Slim n’ Lift Panty with two models. The first is a Jersey girl who claims, "I wouldn't go in public without my slim n' lift."
Listen sister, I don't know who you think you're kidding - but you can see that weird pointy wire contraption through your clothes. Let's be honest - you like cupcakes, and that's ok - but don't go out looking like Frankenstein (that's my job).
Then the lovely Tang moves onto our second model who is a large black woman with a Jamaican accent, or maybe it's Caribbean...who am I kidding - I don't know the difference. She actually pulls off the contraption a little better - she has huge ta-tas which covers at least the top wires. Then...the moment we've all been waiting for - the inventor herself decides to join us...let this be the record...this is the first time in my 24 years on this planet in which I have seen a hairy hair lip...take a minute...try to imagine what that looks like...yummy isn't it....

Entire commercial budget: $500
Slim n' lift panty: 3 easy payments of $29.99
Getting to see a hairy hair lip: Priceless


Ps, btw - you'll have to pardon me when I use 4 .... instead of 3 ... - it means I really want you to stop and give it a good think .... did you do it?

Onward -
- "Silver Bullet"
The next infomercial that I really stopped to give some thought to was the "Silver Bullet"...no, not what you think it is...it slices, it dices and even purées. Eh – it would have been better if it is what I thought it would be.
From there I ran the gauntlet of useful items that I can’t believe I have lived so long without…a “Smart Kitty” kitty litter training pan that comes with (for a limited time only) 8 holiday cake decorating stencils.???? Umm…yeah – I don’t think those sprinkles on cakes are supposed to be crunchy…

…sorry, coughed on a Triscuit - had to get a drink – where were we?

Oh yes, next came the usual “I lost 85 pounds in six hours,” “You could loose half your body weight with just one simple machine” and the raining champ: “for only 35.48 seconds a day 3 times a week, you could look like these people with the weird orange tans and stone wash cutoff shorts.”

Quick Break:
Trivia Question: What 80’s sitcom star now has his or her own infomercial?

Ok, back to the ‘mercials: (yeah – that’s right I just made up new slang for all my insomniac peeps out there – you know who you are – you know the entire lineup on VH1’s Insomniac Theatre.)

-I found the Lord, thanks to my Bible on tapes CD’s. By the 48th CD I was convinced – who would write this much about something that isn’t true?

-I am starting my owe realty business from my home computer with no personal interaction and by the summertime I’ll have enough to jet you all out to my yacht in St. Tropez.

-I have an entire houseful of furniture ordered from Jake Jabs – I’m hoping for the white tiger – I’m not sure if you get to pick the color though.

-I learned how to write my own grant from Matthew Lesko at http://www.howtogetagrant.com/ – which is how I am buying the house I got all the furniture for. This is a real web site – I encourage you to learn as well.

- I bought a “Little Giant” – this time, it is what you think it is – are you proud of me Ry?

- I learned to fly fish, bought Estban’s “How to play a guitar” videos since they’re not available on DVD, got a cute periwinkle twin set, learned how to make cous cous and mango salsa, am getting a whiter smile in just 3 uses, bought rapido marinago laringare from Telamundo (say it with that voice like I know you want to) which I think will help me make that mango salsa a little quicker, and Ry – I know the weather patterns all over the globe and the expected storm systems, which will come in handy for Japan trip planning…deep breath….and finally, I bought the “Voluptuous” breast enhancer with double strength formula so I can be without material constriction on these girls for a long time to come.

Another interesting thing is that Channel 56 is the “Official Source for Programming Information” which simply directs you to Channel 8 for community activities. Are you kidding me? There is an entire channel dedicated to telling you to go to other channels? Ok, can we get our own shows? Cause I can guarantee that they would be slightly more entertaining than that!

Ry – you could have like a gabazillion shows with all the random stuff you know – some of your most popular would be: Iron Chef Ryan, Tool Time With RyRy and Programming for Smarties.
Willie – you could showcase your talents by providing us with movies, short stories, and the occasional proposal writing. Oh – and how could I forget – Pseudo Girlfriends – How to give em’ a likin’ and keep em’ tickin’. Julie and I could be in your movies and we promise to have a pillow fight if you give us good lighting.

Jules- you could have: Julie’s Traveling Equestrian Show, Toe Socks – Are they right for you? And my fav...Curly, Straight, Blonde, Brunette…which will she be this week?

And I could have a singing program where I sing Moondance every week in a different accent, and a medical show where I show my scars and progress and Japanese and Knitting – how not to do them..

Wait – I was too easy on Ry – I forgot about his show, Cuffs – how to wear em’ and still look like a man.

To round off my perfect evening of television viewing, I came upon a show that quite frankly scared me…a Japanese movie that was dubbed with another Asian language which sounded Japanese (Jules – if we were doing better on our tapes I would be able to tell). And then there was Japanese character subtitles at the bottom.
Ok – so who is their target market for this show?
Are they really speaking Japanese dubbed in Thai language with Chinese subtitles, just to make sure they get air time in all of Asia? I am baffled by this program.

I suddenly feel a little like Bridget Jones or Carrie Bradshaw…can a man ever love a girl who is this crazy?

Ok Kiddies – if you read this far, then you really are my friends and I really love you for putting up with my cabin fever stir craziness.

Again…

These are original thoughts...do with them what you will...

It is amazing what Oxycontin will do to a gal.

Disclaimer: This message is in no way, shape or form an attempt at competing with Williams well thought out and heartfelt e-mail (that made me cry). Such an attempt would be a mockery and dare I say, a crime.

Please – for my ego’s sake- cue the slow clap guy. "