Ramblings Of An Insomniac

I am a little tired after the three day weekend and am completely swamped at work - so I have no time for a new post. So here is a silly e-mail that I sent one morning at 4am to my lovely friends....

BTW - I had back surgery last October and was at home for three months.
I tended to get just a wee bit stir crazy.

(This really isn't even that funny - but if you are bored at work - enjoy.)

"From: Jasmine
Sent: Tuesday, November 30, 2004 4:01 AM
To: Ryan, Bill, Julie
Subject: ramblings of an insomniac...

ramblings of an insomniac...

As this is now the 3rd consecutive evening that I have not so much as yawned before 3:00am, I would like to give you a glimpse into my night life...

These are original thoughts...do with them what you will...

I am currently snacking on Triscuits which I found in Mel's "do not eat these, they have too many carbs" snack bag that she hid from herself at the bottom of the pantry because my parents have neglected to take me grocery shopping for the last two weeks... anyway...on with it...

First of all, did you know that there is a plethora of infomercials on after 1:00am? I am not kidding, I counted 99 channels that were trying to sell me some useless shit, and I only have 98 - so go figure that one out. I would like to share with you a few of my favorites...

- "Slim n' Lift Panty"
Let's begin with a ridiculously overweight host. She has a Canadian accent with a little hmm...Scottish maybe thrown in...odd. Anyway she is sporting a lovely orange jumper that looks like a pumpkin yacked all over her and she forgot to clean it off. Let's call her Tangerine Mama, Tang for short. Tang has droopy eyelids, and appears to be on Quaaludes. Tang is discussing the Slim n’ Lift Panty with two models. The first is a Jersey girl who claims, "I wouldn't go in public without my slim n' lift."
Listen sister, I don't know who you think you're kidding - but you can see that weird pointy wire contraption through your clothes. Let's be honest - you like cupcakes, and that's ok - but don't go out looking like Frankenstein (that's my job).
Then the lovely Tang moves onto our second model who is a large black woman with a Jamaican accent, or maybe it's Caribbean...who am I kidding - I don't know the difference. She actually pulls off the contraption a little better - she has huge ta-tas which covers at least the top wires. Then...the moment we've all been waiting for - the inventor herself decides to join us...let this be the record...this is the first time in my 24 years on this planet in which I have seen a hairy hair lip...take a minute...try to imagine what that looks like...yummy isn't it....

Entire commercial budget: $500
Slim n' lift panty: 3 easy payments of $29.99
Getting to see a hairy hair lip: Priceless


Ps, btw - you'll have to pardon me when I use 4 .... instead of 3 ... - it means I really want you to stop and give it a good think .... did you do it?

Onward -
- "Silver Bullet"
The next infomercial that I really stopped to give some thought to was the "Silver Bullet"...no, not what you think it is...it slices, it dices and even purées. Eh – it would have been better if it is what I thought it would be.
From there I ran the gauntlet of useful items that I can’t believe I have lived so long without…a “Smart Kitty” kitty litter training pan that comes with (for a limited time only) 8 holiday cake decorating stencils.???? Umm…yeah – I don’t think those sprinkles on cakes are supposed to be crunchy…

…sorry, coughed on a Triscuit - had to get a drink – where were we?

Oh yes, next came the usual “I lost 85 pounds in six hours,” “You could loose half your body weight with just one simple machine” and the raining champ: “for only 35.48 seconds a day 3 times a week, you could look like these people with the weird orange tans and stone wash cutoff shorts.”

Quick Break:
Trivia Question: What 80’s sitcom star now has his or her own infomercial?

Ok, back to the ‘mercials: (yeah – that’s right I just made up new slang for all my insomniac peeps out there – you know who you are – you know the entire lineup on VH1’s Insomniac Theatre.)

-I found the Lord, thanks to my Bible on tapes CD’s. By the 48th CD I was convinced – who would write this much about something that isn’t true?

-I am starting my owe realty business from my home computer with no personal interaction and by the summertime I’ll have enough to jet you all out to my yacht in St. Tropez.

-I have an entire houseful of furniture ordered from Jake Jabs – I’m hoping for the white tiger – I’m not sure if you get to pick the color though.

-I learned how to write my own grant from Matthew Lesko at http://www.howtogetagrant.com/ – which is how I am buying the house I got all the furniture for. This is a real web site – I encourage you to learn as well.

- I bought a “Little Giant” – this time, it is what you think it is – are you proud of me Ry?

- I learned to fly fish, bought Estban’s “How to play a guitar” videos since they’re not available on DVD, got a cute periwinkle twin set, learned how to make cous cous and mango salsa, am getting a whiter smile in just 3 uses, bought rapido marinago laringare from Telamundo (say it with that voice like I know you want to) which I think will help me make that mango salsa a little quicker, and Ry – I know the weather patterns all over the globe and the expected storm systems, which will come in handy for Japan trip planning…deep breath….and finally, I bought the “Voluptuous” breast enhancer with double strength formula so I can be without material constriction on these girls for a long time to come.

Another interesting thing is that Channel 56 is the “Official Source for Programming Information” which simply directs you to Channel 8 for community activities. Are you kidding me? There is an entire channel dedicated to telling you to go to other channels? Ok, can we get our own shows? Cause I can guarantee that they would be slightly more entertaining than that!

Ry – you could have like a gabazillion shows with all the random stuff you know – some of your most popular would be: Iron Chef Ryan, Tool Time With RyRy and Programming for Smarties.
Willie – you could showcase your talents by providing us with movies, short stories, and the occasional proposal writing. Oh – and how could I forget – Pseudo Girlfriends – How to give em’ a likin’ and keep em’ tickin’. Julie and I could be in your movies and we promise to have a pillow fight if you give us good lighting.

Jules- you could have: Julie’s Traveling Equestrian Show, Toe Socks – Are they right for you? And my fav...Curly, Straight, Blonde, Brunette…which will she be this week?

And I could have a singing program where I sing Moondance every week in a different accent, and a medical show where I show my scars and progress and Japanese and Knitting – how not to do them..

Wait – I was too easy on Ry – I forgot about his show, Cuffs – how to wear em’ and still look like a man.

To round off my perfect evening of television viewing, I came upon a show that quite frankly scared me…a Japanese movie that was dubbed with another Asian language which sounded Japanese (Jules – if we were doing better on our tapes I would be able to tell). And then there was Japanese character subtitles at the bottom.
Ok – so who is their target market for this show?
Are they really speaking Japanese dubbed in Thai language with Chinese subtitles, just to make sure they get air time in all of Asia? I am baffled by this program.

I suddenly feel a little like Bridget Jones or Carrie Bradshaw…can a man ever love a girl who is this crazy?

Ok Kiddies – if you read this far, then you really are my friends and I really love you for putting up with my cabin fever stir craziness.

Again…

These are original thoughts...do with them what you will...

It is amazing what Oxycontin will do to a gal.

Disclaimer: This message is in no way, shape or form an attempt at competing with Williams well thought out and heartfelt e-mail (that made me cry). Such an attempt would be a mockery and dare I say, a crime.

Please – for my ego’s sake- cue the slow clap guy. "