SERIOUSLY???????????
Yesterday started out to be a day like any other...and rapidly turned into one of the worst days of my life.
To fully explain I have to go back about a month…
I was driving home from work. I was a few miles from my office and I got a flat tire. Not the usual nail in the tire, but a huge 8" slash. I have no idea how that happened. I assumed I ran over some scrap metal or something in the road. Anyway, I had a regular size tire in my trunk. Some nice man stopped to help me change it. So we put the flat tire, still on the rim, into my trunk. It's been sitting there ever since.
Fast forward to yesterday….
It was Tuesday and Amanda and I were planning on meeting for our usual Tuesday night wings & beer at a place near my office. So I get in my car and start to drive. I immediately notice that there is something very wrong with my car. It's barely moving and making a terrible sound. I pull over into the nearest parking lot. There is a huge 5" slash in the tire! What the heck? How did this happen again? Maybe someone has a personal vendetta against me! Or maybe someone wants to kill me! Ok, probably not, but what the hell?
I call Amanda to come meet me. Now, a normal person would have a spare tire in the trunk – but NO, I still had the flat tire from last month in my trunk. I was so irritated. All I wanted was a beer and some fucking wings!
So we take the flat tire to Discount Tire and ask them to put a new tire onto the rim / wheel, whatever it's called. I need to get all new tires anyway, so I tell them to give me the cheapest tire, for $45. Of course after they add on all the bullshit charges it comes to $89. Sweet. They say it will take about an hour – perfect, just enough time to partake in some wings and beer. (Sidenote – if you go to Buffalo Wild Wings – you HAVE to order the "Dirty Bird" wings – they aren't on the menu – but ask for them – you'll be glad you did!)
Anyway, we finally get the new tire and get back to my car. It's starting to get dark but we are in a well lit parking lot with lots of people. There is a man sitting in his car RIGHT NEXT to us – but of course offers no assistance – fucker!
So here I am in high heels and a skirt trying to change a tire – which I've never actually done by myself before. I happened to have the 4' afro wig in my car and decided to wear it while changing the tire to alleviate some of my anger. It actually worked! I looked fucking ridiculous – but who cares?
I finally get the flat off and am trying to get the new tire on when a nice fellow Jetta owner stopped to help us. FINALLY! Seriously guys – when you see two chicks trying to change a tire – offer to help them!
So anyway, we get the tire on and I head home.
I decide to stop to go tanning. I come back out to my car – and the fucking thing won't start! I didn't leave any lights on so I have no idea why the battery would be dead!
I have jumper cables in my car, but the way that I am parked – there is no way that the cables will reach anyone other than the two cars parked next to me. So I sit and wait…and wait…hoping that one of the car owners is in tanning salon and will be out soon. By this time it's really dark out and it's probably not the best neighborhood for me to be standing on the street in a skirt looking hopeless. So I wait in my car and the owner of the BMW next to me finally emerges from the salon! She thankfully is willing to help me. I had to jump my car maybe once back in high school, so I have no idea what to connect first or where or anything else. And neither does she. It took us five minutes to figure out that her battery was in her trunk. So after starting sparks about 5 times and nearly killing ourselves and our cars, we get it started. Ugh, ok, finally going home.
At the recommendation of a friend who knows a lot more about cars than I do, which isn't actually saying much, I decide to go to Checker Auto parts and see if when I stop my car there it will start again. If it does, I am fine. If not, then I'll buy a new one.
So I am about a block away from the store and a cop pulls up behind me. I have expired tags (because I am FUCKING LAZY) and I am praying that he doesn't notice.
"God, if you really exist now would be the time to step in and help me out here, man."
Don't test God. Not a good idea. The sirens go off and I pull over. I am scared to stop the engine, so I keep it running. I get out my information and await my fate. He takes a long time to come to my car and I am tying to make myself cry. "Come on Jasmine, you are an actress, you can do it…come on…just a few tears." Not happening. So I end up getting a ticket for expired tags. Fucking sweet. There goes another $64 for the ticket. I get to Checker and turn off my car. It won't start back up so I know I need a new battery. I go inside and have the following conversation:
Me: Hi, I need a new battery.
Checker guy: Ok, what kind?
Me: I don't know.
Checker guy: Ok, we can figure that out.
Me: Ok, so who is gonna put this new one in?
Checker guy: You.
Me: Um, no I'm not.
After sweet talking him for a bit and promising to bake him some cookies he agrees to help me. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that I was wearing a skirt!
I call Amanda and she meets me at Checker to lend moral support.
Sometime after she arrived the following conversation took place:
Amanda: (to the Checker guy) So, your name is XenZu?
XenZu: Yeah
Amanda: Were you born in 1969?
XenZu: No, why?
Amanda: Oh, I just thought maybe your parents were hippies or something.
XenZu: No, my parents didn't give the name to me.
Me: What does it mean?
XenZu: Nothing…it's a nickname.
Me: Oh, did someone else give it to you, or did you make it up?
XenZu: I made it up.
Me: Oh, kinda sounds like Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
XenZu: (blank stare)
I guess Eastern philosophy wasn't really his bag.
After a grueling 2 hours, and $94, the new battery was finally in.
And so it went, 6 hours and $247 later, I arrived home.
I made myself a little something to commemorate my experience…
posted by Jasmine @ 10/25/2006 11:40:00 AM
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