Three dollar bill

So last night I helped a man pick out a purse.
I was in Target, waiting to get a prescription filled. (just birth control – no exciting new STDs)
So I wandered over to the accessories department. As I was looking at some purses, two guys walked up. I didn’t really pay any attention to them at first. A couple minutes passed and one of the guys said to me, “Excuse me, can you help me with something? I am trying to pick out a purse for my girlfriend.”
I looked from one guy to the other, they were clearly gay.
I didn’t buy for a second that this guy had a girlfriend, but I wanted to be nice. “Sure, do you have an idea of what she might like?”
He launched into this entire speech about how last time he got her a pink one to go with this halter dress that he bought her to take her to a party his “uncle” was throwing. So this time he wanted to get her something in a more neutral tone that could go with more outfits. And it needed to be big enough to hold her cell phone, keys, wallet, a few tubes of lipstick, cover-up, powder, mascara and an eyelash curler (because that’s the one cosmetic she can’t live without) chapstick, hand lotion, sunglasses, etc.

Oh wow. These are the thoughts that quickly ran through my head:

First of all, you are going to buy someone a purse from Target? Now before you label me as the biggest snob ever, let me clarify. There is nothing wrong with purses from Target. I was looking at them – I would have gladly bought one if I had found one I liked. But there is a difference between finding a great cheap item for yourself, and buying it for someone else. It would be like bringing generic beer to a house warming party. Or taking a girl to the taco bell on your first date. There are some things you just don’t do.
It would be different if this guy was in stone washed cut-off jean shorts and a faded Metallica t-shirt, sporting a mullet. But he was dressed really nicely. He was wearing nice dress slacks with a button up from Banana Republic. And it was a new one from the fall line, so I know this guy had some money.
Buddy - I know she is just your beard, but if you want to make it believable, go get her a purse at least from Aldo or something. Even the Gap for God's sake!

Second of all – you’re gay! You are supposed to have good taste! If you buy her dresses and purses, and you dress yourself that well – shouldn’t you be able to pick this out yourself?

Thirdly – you know what an eyelash curler is? Most guys have some clue about makeup from their moms, sisters or girlfriends, but this guy knew WAY too much! He knew exactly what kind of makeup she uses at home, and which items she wouldn’t be able to leave the house without.

Fourth – you’re gay! Its 2005 - it’s perfectly socially acceptable to be gay. Embrace your gayness. Don’t’ date some poor girl who probably brags to her friends about how you are the “sweetest, most considerate, understanding guy in the world.” And if this whole thing is just a cover up and the purse is really for you – that’s ok too! But if you want my honest advice about fashion, you’re gonna have to start being honest with me.


Nevertheless, this guy seemed like a perfectly nice fellow, and I wanted to help him out. So we walked around and picked out a couple that might work and I left the two of them there to decide on the winner. As I walked away, I heard him say to his friend, “wouldn’t it be cute if I could find a matching coin purse?”

Wow.