Wonkatastic!

The first (and only) time I watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, I had nightmares for months.
It wasn’t the sight of little tubby-kins Augustus Gloop being sucked up a tube, or Veruca Salt plunging to her death, or even watching Violet swell up to Anna Nicole Smith(pre Trim Spa) size.

No, no – it wasn’t any of that – those little kids were naughty and they deserved the torture they got. (At least that’s what my mean babysitter told me so I would stop throwing peanuts at her head.)
No, all of that was just fine – it was those damn Oompa Loompas!
Those creatures scared the shit out of me. With their creepy little bodies and bright orange faces and those scary chant-like songs they would sing. I hated them. I still hate them. I have refused to watch that movie since I was little. We did that play in high school and whenever the actors would sing those songs, I would have a mini panic attack. Lucky, I played Augustus Gloop, so I was too hot inside a huge pillow stuffed costume to really pay attention to what was happening.

I actually played one half of Augustus Gloop. We changed the character to be Siamese Twins, so my BFF, Mande, and I were the Gloop Twins. Our costume was fantastically horrible - we used a HUGE pair of sweatpants, and each got into one leg, with some atrocious sweater that easily could have fit the entire cast of Celebrity Fit Club. The best part of the whole play was when we fell into the chocolate river. We made a fake chocolate river cardboard cut out that was about one foot high. We didn’t take into consideration that when we got into our costume filled with huge pillow padding, we were easily 3 feet high lying on our backs. So when it came time for us to jump into the river and supposedly be sucked up the tube, the audience could easily watch us attempt to crawl backwards off the stage. Well, with all that padding, we didn’t realize that our huge sweatpants were slowly sliding off as we slithered backwards. So yeah, that was one of about 16 times in high school when I “accidentally” flashed a large crowd.

I digress…. Let’s just say I HATE Oompa Loompas.

But yesterday, I had a revelation:
As I walked to my car and saw my shadow, I realized that my hair totally flips out at the bottom like an oompa loompa!
Maybe the reason I have such a problem with Oompa Loompas is because I look like one!




Hair that flips out at the bottom – check
Big head – check
Orange coloring – check
Short – check
Round – check
Sing badly often – check
Ability to instill fear in those around me - check

(Although this last one may not count, as the fear I cause comes from my loved ones worrying that I am going to combust from a sex, vodka, hotdog overload)

In related Charlie and The Chocolate Factory news –
- Johnny Depp seriously scares me as the new Wonka. I would take him as Scissorhands over Wonka any day of the week. (And by take, I mean invite him over for sushi. And by invite him over for sushi, I mean...well, you know.)

- Check out this picture from the Willy Wonka premier:

Has she never seen the movie, or sung the song?
“I’ve got a golden ticket.” Not, "I have the golden ticket." Stupid Brit.