SERIOUSLY???????????

Yesterday started out to be a day like any other...and rapidly turned into one of the worst days of my life.
To fully explain I have to go back about a month…
I was driving home from work. I was a few miles from my office and I got a flat tire. Not the usual nail in the tire, but a huge 8" slash. I have no idea how that happened. I assumed I ran over some scrap metal or something in the road. Anyway, I had a regular size tire in my trunk. Some nice man stopped to help me change it. So we put the flat tire, still on the rim, into my trunk. It's been sitting there ever since.
Fast forward to yesterday….
It was Tuesday and Amanda and I were planning on meeting for our usual Tuesday night wings & beer at a place near my office. So I get in my car and start to drive. I immediately notice that there is something very wrong with my car. It's barely moving and making a terrible sound. I pull over into the nearest parking lot. There is a huge 5" slash in the tire! What the heck? How did this happen again? Maybe someone has a personal vendetta against me! Or maybe someone wants to kill me! Ok, probably not, but what the hell?
I call Amanda to come meet me. Now, a normal person would have a spare tire in the trunk – but NO, I still had the flat tire from last month in my trunk. I was so irritated. All I wanted was a beer and some fucking wings!
So we take the flat tire to Discount Tire and ask them to put a new tire onto the rim / wheel, whatever it's called. I need to get all new tires anyway, so I tell them to give me the cheapest tire, for $45. Of course after they add on all the bullshit charges it comes to $89. Sweet. They say it will take about an hour – perfect, just enough time to partake in some wings and beer. (Sidenote – if you go to Buffalo Wild Wings – you HAVE to order the "Dirty Bird" wings – they aren't on the menu – but ask for them – you'll be glad you did!)
Anyway, we finally get the new tire and get back to my car. It's starting to get dark but we are in a well lit parking lot with lots of people. There is a man sitting in his car RIGHT NEXT to us – but of course offers no assistance – fucker!
So here I am in high heels and a skirt trying to change a tire – which I've never actually done by myself before. I happened to have the 4' afro wig in my car and decided to wear it while changing the tire to alleviate some of my anger. It actually worked! I looked fucking ridiculous – but who cares?



I finally get the flat off and am trying to get the new tire on when a nice fellow Jetta owner stopped to help us. FINALLY! Seriously guys – when you see two chicks trying to change a tire – offer to help them!
So anyway, we get the tire on and I head home.
I decide to stop to go tanning. I come back out to my car – and the fucking thing won't start! I didn't leave any lights on so I have no idea why the battery would be dead!
I have jumper cables in my car, but the way that I am parked – there is no way that the cables will reach anyone other than the two cars parked next to me. So I sit and wait…and wait…hoping that one of the car owners is in tanning salon and will be out soon. By this time it's really dark out and it's probably not the best neighborhood for me to be standing on the street in a skirt looking hopeless. So I wait in my car and the owner of the BMW next to me finally emerges from the salon! She thankfully is willing to help me. I had to jump my car maybe once back in high school, so I have no idea what to connect first or where or anything else. And neither does she. It took us five minutes to figure out that her battery was in her trunk. So after starting sparks about 5 times and nearly killing ourselves and our cars, we get it started. Ugh, ok, finally going home.
At the recommendation of a friend who knows a lot more about cars than I do, which isn't actually saying much, I decide to go to Checker Auto parts and see if when I stop my car there it will start again. If it does, I am fine. If not, then I'll buy a new one.
So I am about a block away from the store and a cop pulls up behind me. I have expired tags (because I am FUCKING LAZY) and I am praying that he doesn't notice.
"God, if you really exist now would be the time to step in and help me out here, man."
Don't test God. Not a good idea. The sirens go off and I pull over. I am scared to stop the engine, so I keep it running. I get out my information and await my fate. He takes a long time to come to my car and I am tying to make myself cry. "Come on Jasmine, you are an actress, you can do it…come on…just a few tears." Not happening. So I end up getting a ticket for expired tags. Fucking sweet. There goes another $64 for the ticket. I get to Checker and turn off my car. It won't start back up so I know I need a new battery. I go inside and have the following conversation:

Me: Hi, I need a new battery.
Checker guy: Ok, what kind?
Me: I don't know.
Checker guy: Ok, we can figure that out.
Me: Ok, so who is gonna put this new one in?
Checker guy: You.
Me: Um, no I'm not.

After sweet talking him for a bit and promising to bake him some cookies he agrees to help me. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that I was wearing a skirt!
I call Amanda and she meets me at Checker to lend moral support.
Sometime after she arrived the following conversation took place:

Amanda: (to the Checker guy) So, your name is XenZu?
XenZu: Yeah
Amanda: Were you born in 1969?
XenZu: No, why?
Amanda: Oh, I just thought maybe your parents were hippies or something.
XenZu: No, my parents didn't give the name to me.
Me: What does it mean?
XenZu: Nothing…it's a nickname.
Me: Oh, did someone else give it to you, or did you make it up?
XenZu: I made it up.
Me: Oh, kinda sounds like Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
XenZu: (blank stare)

I guess Eastern philosophy wasn't really his bag.
After a grueling 2 hours, and $94, the new battery was finally in.
And so it went, 6 hours and $247 later, I arrived home.

I made myself a little something to commemorate my experience…

How NOT to pick up a chick…

So last night I went out with some friends for drinks. My friends were all either in the bathroom or at the bar getting drinks, leaving me alone like a little bunny in a pack of wolves. Less than 10 seconds passed and I was approached by two overweight wanna-be mobsters from Jersey. They had thick accents, and I decided to fuck with them and use my best east coast accent to respond.

(You have to read the following conversation with a Jersey accent to get the full effect.)



Man: Hey sweetheart, how you doin'?

Me: Alright, how you doin'?

Man: (picking up on the accent) Oh, where you from?

Me: Jersey.

Man: Where at?

Me: Exit 21 (Every time I hear someone talk about Jersey they don't use town names. They use the exit numbers instead. So I took a gamble, assuming there had to be an exit 21. I lucked out.)

Man: Oh yeah, it's nice there. So, I'm Vito.

Me: Ha, that's what I named my dog.

Man: Oh yeah? Lemme guess, it's a pitbull?

Me: No...chihuahua.

Man: (wanting to change the topic to something that didn't insult his manhood) So uh, we're our here on business.

Me: Oh, what type of business are you in?

Man: Waste management.

Me: Who are you, Tony Soprano?

Man: Ha, you're feisty. You could be my Carmella. You got any Italian in you?

Me: Um, No.

Man: You want some?

Me: Did you ACTUALLY just say that? Does that EVER work?

Man: Um....

Me: Alright fellas, good luck with your shit.

Suuuuper Panty Liner Boy to the rescue!!!

I received the following e-mail from a co-worker this morning:

Subject: Why kids should not be left alone

Is it just me, or is there something disturbing about this image?
I get that it’s supposed to be cute. “Oh look, silly boy got into my blood catchers.”
But for some reason, it just doesn’t sit well with me.
Maybe it’s the fact that the pads are placed a little too symmetrically for him to have put them on himself.
Maybe it’s the impending pain that awaits this little guy when they get ripped off.
Maybe it’s the fact that the pad over his wee wee reminds me of those Biore pore strips that you are supposed to put on your nose.
Or, maybe it’s the fact that his hands are put behind him in a sad, submissive superhero pose. Even the soft light coming from the hallway is eerie.
No, actaully, I think the most troubling thing about this image is his sad lil' face. His eyes are pleading, “Why? Why are you doing this to me? I let you put all these stupid things on me because you told me they were just big stickers. I let you curl my hair and tie my hands behind my back. I let you take 63 pictures of me so you could get it juuust right. But now I wanna go outside and play…with my clothes ON. Why can’t you be like the other mommies? Why do you do this to me? I hope are saving money for my therapy, because I am gonna need it. Let me go mommy, let me go!”

Then again, maybe I’m the sick fuck who is reading too much into this.

Stupid or just plain lazy???

Lately I feel as though every thing I do falls into one of two categories: stupid or just plain lazy.
I recently dyed my hair blonde and have gotten numerous comments that the peroxide may be seeping into my brain. Ha…ha….very funny guys.
Admittedly, I have done some pretty silly things lately, but I think some of them can be chalked up to pure laziness. Let’s examine some of my recent activities:

Exhibit 1 – I recently took a trip to Chicago. After spending a day drinking in the hot sun, we went back to the parking garage to retrieve our car. As we were waiting, I noticed a sign on the wall: “FIRE EXT” I proceeded to make the following joke:
“Why would they leave the “I” out of EXIT?
They had the “I” stencil from the word FIRE.
And it’s still only 4 letters, it wouldn’t have taken up any extra room.”
The rest of the group agreed and chuckled at my witty observation. We even went so far as to take a picture of this ridiculous sign.



Upon returning to Denver, my friend Ryan was scrolling through my pictures and asked about this picture. I explained to him and the following conversation took place:
Ryan: “Are you serious?”
Me: “Yeah, why?”
Ryan: “Jasmine! The “EXT” stands for “Extinguisher”, “Fire Extinguisher.”
Me: “Um…oh.”
Ryan: “Are you even near an exit?”
Me: “Yeah!” (I lied.)



Yep, that’s right. There is even a fire extinguisher IN the picture! And no, not near an exit. We are standing next to the ramp.

Verdict: STUPID


Exhibit 2 – I have Direct TV at my house. I have one TV in my living room & one in my bedroom. I pay $6 a month extra to have this 2nd TV in my room. About 2 weeks after I moved in, there was a pretty big storm, and after that the TV in my room didn’t work. I figured the storm had knocked that cable outside loose or something. All I needed to do was call Direct TV and they could have checked the signal and sent someone out if necessary. But I was lazy, and never called. I moved into my place in OCTOBER! So I have been paying $6 a month for the last 9 months for a TV that I don’t use. So it seems that we could mark this one as lazy…but no….the other day I was cleaning my room. I was cleaning the floors and noticed that one of the cords in the corner seemed to be loose and not quite plugged in all the way. So I plugged it in tightly – and what do you know? The Satellite turned right on! Ugh! $54 out the window because I didn’t check the cord!
Who does that? Who doesn’t check the cords? That’s the first thing most people would do, but nope, not me.

Verdict: STUPID

Well, to be perfectly honest, although I know that the TV now works, the remote is missing a battery. I must have taken it out at some point when I thought the TV was broken. It takes a AAA battery, and although I have about 100 AA batteries, no AAA.
So I STILL don’t use the TV because I am too lazy to get up to use the power button or simply go buy a AAA battery.

Amended Verdict: Tie - STUPID and LAZY

Exhibit 3 – I live in house with a small front and side yard. In my lease it clearly explains that I am responsible for the upkeep of the yard. My landlord provided the sprinklers, hoses and a lawnmower. When I moved in I was good about moving the sprinklers to a new location every night. And I even knew to unhook the hoses when it got cold out so that I wouldn’t freeze the pipes. But this spring, I didn’t even think about putting them back out. My landlord just happened to stop by and (understandably) flipped out! I put the hoses out and mowed and was fairly consistent on moving the sprinklers around.
Two weeks later she threatened to charge me the $4,000 it would cost to re-sod the entire yard if I didn’t it back to life. So I finally started to really take care of it. I was watering the damn thing for 2 hours in the morning and like 5 hours at night. It was finally starting to look good and I thought I was in the clear. Then two weeks ago she sent me another nasty e-mail about the side yard.
“Jasmine – the front yard is starting to look good, but the side yard is looking grim, you really need to start watering it.”
I was totally confused – “I AM watering the side yard! It’s looking green – are we talking about the same yard?”
Um, no, we weren’t. I have TWO side yards. The one that is fenced in next to my carport and then the one that is on the other side of the sidewalk. I just assumed that the city... or... someone took care of this. After I got her e-mail I went outside and noticed that all my neighbors take care of their little sidewalk section. Um….oh….oops! So yeah, now I water the OTHER side yard too.

Verdict: LAZY with a dash of STUPID


Exhibit 4 – I am going to lump together a few items here; my passport, my car and grocery shopping.
First, my passport - I lost my Colorado drivers license about a year ago. Since then I have been carrying around my passport. Yep, it’s big and bulky, won’t fit in a pocket and more importantly is hard to replace. All I need to do is go to the DMV and get a new CO ID. But….no, a year later, still haven’t done it.
Secondly, my car – I bought a brand new car 2 years ago. At first it would sometimes have a hard time starting. I took it back into the dealership right away, but they couldn’t get it to replicate the problem. Since then it has gotten worse, and EVERY time I start the car, I have to try 2 or 3 times to start it. I could take it back into the dealership now since it will certainly occur at the shop. But have I taken it in? NO! Oh, and yes, it’s a lease, so it’s under full warranty. So I wouldn’t even have to pay for anything, I just need to take it into the dealership.
Thirdly – grocery shopping. For the last 4 months I have been eating ramen noodles for lunch and dinner. Unless I am out to eat with friends, this is literally all that I eat. Every lunch...every dinner...ramen. At first it started out because ramen is so absurdly cheap. But now it has become a product of pure laziness. I go to the store, pick up one family size box of chicken flavored ramen, and I am set for the next week. It takes me 3 minutes to prepare. Seriously, could it be any easier? No. But could it be healthier and a tad more exciting? YES! But I am too damn lazy to go to the store and buy real food and make the effort to cook real meals. If you looked in my kitchen you would totally think I was a poor college bachelor – ramen in the cupboard, beer in the fridge…and that’s it. Sadly, I am not even kidding.

Verdict: LAZY, LAZY, LAAAAZY

Exhibit 5 – I have a friend named Amanda. One day I was on the phone with my friend Ryan and I told him that I was off to meet Amanda for a drink. I THOUGHT he said, “Tell Amanda Hug & Kiss that I said hi.” I thought he was talking about some doll from our childhood. About a week later I decided that it would be cute if I found a picture of this doll and photoshoped Amanda’s head onto it. So I Googled “Amanda Hug & Kiss.” Weird, the only results I got back were random mySpace screen names. So I asked Ryan about it.
Ryan: “No, not 'Amanda Hug & Kiss', 'A MAN TO HUG AND KISS'. Haven’t you ever heard that saying?”
Me: “Um…no.”
Ryan: “Seriously?”
Me: “Ha..ha…I was totally kidding. Of course I know that saying.” (Lying, again.)

Verdict: STUPID


Exhibit 6 – For my birthday, my friend Mande bought me this rad black chandelier from Urban Outfitters that I had been coveting for some time. I was so excited when it arrived that I wanted to hang it right away. I decided to place it in the corner of my living room. I have vaulted ceilings, so the spot I wanted to hang it from was about 10 feet high. I don’t have a ladder, so I decided that it would be a good idea to place my step stool on top of the couch and reach the ceiling that way. So I moved the couch to the corner, put the stool on top and tried to climb on. To steady myself, I put my left foot in the window sill and my right foot on the stool. It was tricky getting up, but once I was up I actually thought to myself, “I can totally still rock climb, look how nimble I am.” (I had back surgery 2 years ago and haven’t attempted to rock climb yet.) About 2 seconds later as I stretched up as far as I could to touch the ceiling, I started to wobble. Realizing I was about to fall, I decided to go sideways and hopefully land on the couch instead of backwards onto the floor. Good idea, except that as I fell my foot got caught on the rung of the step stool and all my weight cam crashing down onto the side of my foot as it smacked into the metal step. OUCH!!!!!! I stayed doubled over on the couch for a minute and had to talk myself into not freaking out. “Jasmine – you are ok. It just hurts a bit. You are fine. You didn’t break your foot. Wiggle your toes…..wiggle your toes!” After some nasty bruising and silly hobbling about, my foot eventually healed. The moral of the story – get a fucking ladder.

Verdict: STUPID

Exhibit 7 – I have been completely neglecting this blog. I’ve got some decent excuses; I am trying to break into stand up comedy, and have been working on material for that. I need to find a second job and a new place to live. And I have been pretty swamped at work, not leaving me much time to write.
But enough excuses, I could make time for this blog. And I should. And I really will try. :)

VERDICT: LAZY


Final Tally:
STUPID – 4
LAZY – 4

Ok, so I am stupid and lazy. Wow, this post makes me feel really good about myself. Oh well, fuck it, I’m hungry – off to heat up some ramen!

Cougarzzz

So this morning on the Today show, they had an entire segment dedicated to Cougars. No, not the Felis concolor, but the nickname now used to describe women in their 40’s who are in search of younger men. They are the ones traveling in packs, wearing clothes that are too tight, too young and far too shinny. Faces painted, hair poofy, bad dance moves & just generally trying way too hard. Oh, and a cigarette hanging off their lip at ALL times.
I immediately had two reactions to this story:

At first I was angry – what the heck? I have been using this term for 5 years!!! Ever since Emilee and I heard it in Cabo San Lucas on my 21st birthday. We heard it from some Canadian fellas who owned a bar and would stop the music to growl if a pack of cougars entered the dance floor. A nickname’s coolness plummets when it gains national recognition. This was one of my words! Katie Couric, you can’t steal it!

My second reaction was – SEE! HA! I told you Cougars was a good term! I have tried to convince most of my friends to use this term, but to no avail. Julie, Mande and Amanda however, have embraced this term, and now the rest of you should too!

Our rendition of cougars…

My Bubba

All the things that people say about life and death seem so cliché and trite.
And then something happens to you and you cling to the only words you can find to express how you feel. So forgive me if this sounds disingenuous, I assure you I would speak more eloquently if I could. But this is all I can think to say…

"I'm standing on the shore. A ship spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon. And someone at my side says, 'She is gone.'
Gone where? The loss of sight is in me, not in her. Just at that moment when someone says, 'She is gone,' there are others who are watching her coming. Other voices take up the glad and shout, 'Here she comes!'
..And that is dying."

I’m not sure what I believe happens after death. But this quote is lovely and somehow comforting. Someone sent it to me today and it made me smile as I cried.

My Grandma Bubba passed away yesterday.

As I watched her breathe her last breath I realized how lucky I am to have known her. I never knew my birth mom's mother. My mom wasn’t really present in my life, so I never got a chance to meet my maternal grandmother. I never knew my father’s mother. She passed away when my father was on his honeymoon. So my step-mom’s mother became the only grandma I ever knew.

And she was perfect.

She was completely adorable and utterly delightful.
She welcomed everyone she met with open arms and a full plate of food.

She was the epitome of a story book grandma; she was a mere 5 feet tall with a round belly that told of years of chocolate cake and bread pudding indulgence.

She had an old house with a big front porch and a kitchen table big enough to feed any of her 14 grandbabies.

She would let me lie on her lap and play with my hair while she told me stories of moving to New York in 1933 when she was just 16.

She lit up when a child entered the room. And babies clung to her because they could sense what a kind soul she had, in the way that only babies and puppies can sense.

She was tiny but full of vim and vigor. She had a rich and crackly laugh from too many years of smoking. She appreciated the simpler things and had a zest for life that was marvelously contagious.

She was lovely and full of grace.

And the best part is that she was mine.
She was my Bubba and I will miss her dearly.

355 days early...

You could call this post a wee bit late, or crazy early. I'll go with the later.

Here are some Valentine's Day cards that I strongly encourage you to send out to your loved ones next year.

To my fellow big heads - this one's for you!

Happy Valentine's Day bitches!

Gimme Some Candy!

Maybe it's because I am still half drunk (rough night last night), but my trip to get lunch was surprisingly amusing.
I went to this healthy-ish deli place to get a wrap. And it's decorated with tons of kitschy stuff. It’s cute in a thank God this isn’t my house sorta way. So as I was waiting for my food I wandered around and looked at some of the nick knacks.
So in the back there is this little old grandma doll sitting in a rocking chair, holding a framed picture of a little old grandma in a rocking chair. It was very art imitating life. And next to the chair there is a sign that says,
“Garry does magic. Ask him to show you.”
What??? Who is Garry? Is he her grandson? Does he have a cape? Does he have magic wands for hands and walk around saying, “Look at me, I’m crazy magic hands man. Now gimme some candy!”

Then I go outside to see this car parked next to mine.


Now, that car wasn’t there when I went in. And those tomatoes are all dried out, so they must have been there for a while. So is someone actually driving around with those on their windshield? Maybe it was Garry’s car.

Ok, yeah, pretty sure it was all funny just because I was still slightly inebriated.
And yes, I did actually stand there and take pictures. I rule. Now gimme some candy!

Absolutely Fabulous

Who's the pretty one?

Amanda!