Jasmine's Drivel

SERIOUSLY???????????

2006-10-25T11:40:00.000-06:00

Yesterday started out to be a day like any other...and rapidly turned into one of the worst days of my life.
To fully explain I have to go back about a month…
I was driving home from work. I was a few miles from my office and I got a flat tire. Not the usual nail in the tire, but a huge 8" slash. I have no idea how that happened. I assumed I ran over some scrap metal or something in the road. Anyway, I had a regular size tire in my trunk. Some nice man stopped to help me change it. So we put the flat tire, still on the rim, into my trunk. It's been sitting there ever since.
Fast forward to yesterday….
It was Tuesday and Amanda and I were planning on meeting for our usual Tuesday night wings & beer at a place near my office. So I get in my car and start to drive. I immediately notice that there is something very wrong with my car. It's barely moving and making a terrible sound. I pull over into the nearest parking lot. There is a huge 5" slash in the tire! What the heck? How did this happen again? Maybe someone has a personal vendetta against me! Or maybe someone wants to kill me! Ok, probably not, but what the hell?
I call Amanda to come meet me. Now, a normal person would have a spare tire in the trunk – but NO, I still had the flat tire from last month in my trunk. I was so irritated. All I wanted was a beer and some fucking wings!
So we take the flat tire to Discount Tire and ask them to put a new tire onto the rim / wheel, whatever it's called. I need to get all new tires anyway, so I tell them to give me the cheapest tire, for $45. Of course after they add on all the bullshit charges it comes to $89. Sweet. They say it will take about an hour – perfect, just enough time to partake in some wings and beer. (Sidenote – if you go to Buffalo Wild Wings – you HAVE to order the "Dirty Bird" wings – they aren't on the menu – but ask for them – you'll be glad you did!)
Anyway, we finally get the new tire and get back to my car. It's starting to get dark but we are in a well lit parking lot with lots of people. There is a man sitting in his car RIGHT NEXT to us – but of course offers no assistance – fucker!
So here I am in high heels and a skirt trying to change a tire – which I've never actually done by myself before. I happened to have the 4' afro wig in my car and decided to wear it while changing the tire to alleviate some of my anger. It actually worked! I looked fucking ridiculous – but who cares?

I finally get the flat off and am trying to get the new tire on when a nice fellow Jetta owner stopped to help us. FINALLY! Seriously guys – when you see two chicks trying to change a tire – offer to help them!
So anyway, we get the tire on and I head home.
I decide to stop to go tanning. I come back out to my car – and the fucking thing won't start! I didn't leave any lights on so I have no idea why the battery would be dead!
I have jumper cables in my car, but the way that I am parked – there is no way that the cables will reach anyone other than the two cars parked next to me. So I sit and wait…and wait…hoping that one of the car owners is in tanning salon and will be out soon. By this time it's really dark out and it's probably not the best neighborhood for me to be standing on the street in a skirt looking hopeless. So I wait in my car and the owner of the BMW next to me finally emerges from the salon! She thankfully is willing to help me. I had to jump my car maybe once back in high school, so I have no idea what to connect first or where or anything else. And neither does she. It took us five minutes to figure out that her battery was in her trunk. So after starting sparks about 5 times and nearly killing ourselves and our cars, we get it started. Ugh, ok, finally going home.
At the recommendation of a friend who knows a lot more about cars than I do, which isn't actually saying much, I decide to go to Checker Auto parts and see if when I stop my car there it will start again. If it does, I am fine. If not, then I'll buy a new one.
So I am about a block away from the store and a cop pulls up behind me. I have expired tags (because I am FUCKING LAZY) and I am praying that he doesn't notice.
"God, if you really exist now would be the time to step in and help me out here, man."
Don't test God. Not a good idea. The sirens go off and I pull over. I am scared to stop the engine, so I keep it running. I get out my information and await my fate. He takes a long time to come to my car and I am tying to make myself cry. "Come on Jasmine, you are an actress, you can do it…come on…just a few tears." Not happening. So I end up getting a ticket for expired tags. Fucking sweet. There goes another $64 for the ticket. I get to Checker and turn off my car. It won't start back up so I know I need a new battery. I go inside and have the following conversation:

Me: Hi, I need a new battery.
Checker guy: Ok, what kind?
Me: I don't know.
Checker guy: Ok, we can figure that out.
Me: Ok, so who is gonna put this new one in?
Checker guy: You.
Me: Um, no I'm not.

After sweet talking him for a bit and promising to bake him some cookies he agrees to help me. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that I was wearing a skirt!
I call Amanda and she meets me at Checker to lend moral support.
Sometime after she arrived the following conversation took place:

Amanda: (to the Checker guy) So, your name is XenZu?
XenZu: Yeah
Amanda: Were you born in 1969?
XenZu: No, why?
Amanda: Oh, I just thought maybe your parents were hippies or something.
XenZu: No, my parents didn't give the name to me.
Me: What does it mean?
XenZu: Nothing…it's a nickname.
Me: Oh, did someone else give it to you, or did you make it up?
XenZu: I made it up.
Me: Oh, kinda sounds like Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
XenZu: (blank stare)

I guess Eastern philosophy wasn't really his bag.
After a grueling 2 hours, and $94, the new battery was finally in.
And so it went, 6 hours and $247 later, I arrived home.

I made myself a little something to commemorate my experience…

How NOT to pick up a chick…

2006-10-20T11:21:00.000-06:00

So last night I went out with some friends for drinks. My friends were all either in the bathroom or at the bar getting drinks, leaving me alone like a little bunny in a pack of wolves. Less than 10 seconds passed and I was approached by two overweight wanna-be mobsters from Jersey. They had thick accents, and I decided to fuck with them and use my best east coast accent to respond.

(You have to read the following conversation with a Jersey accent to get the full effect.)

Man: Hey sweetheart, how you doin'?

Me: Alright, how you doin'?

Man: (picking up on the accent) Oh, where you from?

Me: Jersey.

Man: Where at?

Me: Exit 21 (Every time I hear someone talk about Jersey they don't use town names. They use the exit numbers instead. So I took a gamble, assuming there had to be an exit 21. I lucked out.)

Man: Oh yeah, it's nice there. So, I'm Vito.

Me: Ha, that's what I named my dog.

Man: Oh yeah? Lemme guess, it's a pitbull?

Me: No...chihuahua.

Man: (wanting to change the topic to something that didn't insult his manhood) So uh, we're our here on business.

Me: Oh, what type of business are you in?

Man: Waste management.

Me: Who are you, Tony Soprano?

Man: Ha, you're feisty. You could be my Carmella. You got any Italian in you?

Me: Um, No.

Man: You want some?

Me: Did you ACTUALLY just say that? Does that EVER work?

Man: Um....

Me: Alright fellas, good luck with your shit.

Suuuuper Panty Liner Boy to the rescue!!!

2006-07-19T13:17:00.000-06:00

I received the following e-mail from a co-worker this morning:

Subject: Why kids should not be left alone

Is it just me, or is there something disturbing about this image?
I get that it’s supposed to be cute. “Oh look, silly boy got into my blood catchers.”
But for some reason, it just doesn’t sit well with me.
Maybe it’s the fact that the pads are placed a little too symmetrically for him to have put them on himself.
Maybe it’s the impending pain that awaits this little guy when they get ripped off.
Maybe it’s the fact that the pad over his wee wee reminds me of those Biore pore strips that you are supposed to put on your nose.
Or, maybe it’s the fact that his hands are put behind him in a sad, submissive superhero pose. Even the soft light coming from the hallway is eerie.
No, actaully, I think the most troubling thing about this image is his sad lil' face. His eyes are pleading, “Why? Why are you doing this to me? I let you put all these stupid things on me because you told me they were just big stickers. I let you curl my hair and tie my hands behind my back. I let you take 63 pictures of me so you could get it juuust right. But now I wanna go outside and play…with my clothes ON. Why can’t you be like the other mommies? Why do you do this to me? I hope are saving money for my therapy, because I am gonna need it. Let me go mommy, let me go!”

Then again, maybe I’m the sick fuck who is reading too much into this.

Stupid or just plain lazy???

2006-06-13T12:44:00.000-06:00

Lately I feel as though every thing I do falls into one of two categories: stupid or just plain lazy.
I recently dyed my hair blonde and have gotten numerous comments that the peroxide may be seeping into my brain. Ha…ha….very funny guys.
Admittedly, I have done some pretty silly things lately, but I think some of them can be chalked up to pure laziness. Let’s examine some of my recent activities:

Exhibit 1 – I recently took a trip to Chicago. After spending a day drinking in the hot sun, we went back to the parking garage to retrieve our car. As we were waiting, I noticed a sign on the wall: “FIRE EXT” I proceeded to make the following joke:
“Why would they leave the “I” out of EXIT?
They had the “I” stencil from the word FIRE.
And it’s still only 4 letters, it wouldn’t have taken up any extra room.”
The rest of the group agreed and chuckled at my witty observation. We even went so far as to take a picture of this ridiculous sign.

Upon returning to Denver, my friend Ryan was scrolling through my pictures and asked about this picture. I explained to him and the following conversation took place:
Ryan: “Are you serious?”
Me: “Yeah, why?”
Ryan: “Jasmine! The “EXT” stands for “Extinguisher”, “Fire Extinguisher.”
Me: “Um…oh.”
Ryan: “Are you even near an exit?”
Me: “Yeah!” (I lied.)

Yep, that’s right. There is even a fire extinguisher IN the picture! And no, not near an exit. We are standing next to the ramp.

Verdict: STUPID

Exhibit 2 – I have Direct TV at my house. I have one TV in my living room & one in my bedroom. I pay $6 a month extra to have this 2nd TV in my room. About 2 weeks after I moved in, there was a pretty big storm, and after that the TV in my room didn’t work. I figured the storm had knocked that cable outside loose or something. All I needed to do was call Direct TV and they could have checked the signal and sent someone out if necessary. But I was lazy, and never called. I moved into my place in OCTOBER! So I have been paying $6 a month for the last 9 months for a TV that I don’t use. So it seems that we could mark this one as lazy…but no….the other day I was cleaning my room. I was cleaning the floors and noticed that one of the cords in the corner seemed to be loose and not quite plugged in all the way. So I plugged it in tightly – and what do you know? The Satellite turned right on! Ugh! $54 out the window because I didn’t check the cord!
Who does that? Who doesn’t check the cords? That’s the first thing most people would do, but nope, not me.

Verdict: STUPID

Well, to be perfectly honest, although I know that the TV now works, the remote is missing a battery. I must have taken it out at some point when I thought the TV was broken. It takes a AAA battery, and although I have about 100 AA batteries, no AAA.
So I STILL don’t use the TV because I am too lazy to get up to use the power button or simply go buy a AAA battery.

Amended Verdict: Tie - STUPID and LAZY

Exhibit 3 – I live in house with a small front and side yard. In my lease it clearly explains that I am responsible for the upkeep of the yard. My landlord provided the sprinklers, hoses and a lawnmower. When I moved in I was good about moving the sprinklers to a new location every night. And I even knew to unhook the hoses when it got cold out so that I wouldn’t freeze the pipes. But this spring, I didn’t even think about putting them back out. My landlord just happened to stop by and (understandably) flipped out! I put the hoses out and mowed and was fairly consistent on moving the sprinklers around.
Two weeks later she threatened to charge me the $4,000 it would cost to re-sod the entire yard if I didn’t it back to life. So I finally started to really take care of it. I was watering the damn thing for 2 hours in the morning and like 5 hours at night. It was finally starting to look good and I thought I was in the clear. Then two weeks ago she sent me another nasty e-mail about the side yard.
“Jasmine – the front yard is starting to look good, but the side yard is looking grim, you really need to start watering it.”
I was totally confused – “I AM watering the side yard! It’s looking green – are we talking about the same yard?”
Um, no, we weren’t. I have TWO side yards. The one that is fenced in next to my carport and then the one that is on the other side of the sidewalk. I just assumed that the city... or... someone took care of this. After I got her e-mail I went outside and noticed that all my neighbors take care of their little sidewalk section. Um….oh….oops! So yeah, now I water the OTHER side yard too.

Verdict: LAZY with a dash of STUPID

Exhibit 4 – I am going to lump together a few items here; my passport, my car and grocery shopping.
First, my passport - I lost my Colorado drivers license about a year ago. Since then I have been carrying around my passport. Yep, it’s big and bulky, won’t fit in a pocket and more importantly is hard to replace. All I need to do is go to the DMV and get a new CO ID. But….no, a year later, still haven’t done it.
Secondly, my car – I bought a brand new car 2 years ago. At first it would sometimes have a hard time starting. I took it back into the dealership right away, but they couldn’t get it to replicate the problem. Since then it has gotten worse, and EVERY time I start the car, I have to try 2 or 3 times to start it. I could take it back into the dealership now since it will certainly occur at the shop. But have I taken it in? NO! Oh, and yes, it’s a lease, so it’s under full warranty. So I wouldn’t even have to pay for anything, I just need to take it into the dealership.
Thirdly – grocery shopping. For the last 4 months I have been eating ramen noodles for lunch and dinner. Unless I am out to eat with friends, this is literally all that I eat. Every lunch...every dinner...ramen. At first it started out because ramen is so absurdly cheap. But now it has become a product of pure laziness. I go to the store, pick up one family size box of chicken flavored ramen, and I am set for the next week. It takes me 3 minutes to prepare. Seriously, could it be any easier? No. But could it be healthier and a tad more exciting? YES! But I am too damn lazy to go to the store and buy real food and make the effort to cook real meals. If you looked in my kitchen you would totally think I was a poor college bachelor – ramen in the cupboard, beer in the fridge…and that’s it. Sadly, I am not even kidding.

Verdict: LAZY, LAZY, LAAAAZY

Exhibit 5 – I have a friend named Amanda. One day I was on the phone with my friend Ryan and I told him that I was off to meet Amanda for a drink. I THOUGHT he said, “Tell Amanda Hug & Kiss that I said hi.” I thought he was talking about some doll from our childhood. About a week later I decided that it would be cute if I found a picture of this doll and photoshoped Amanda’s head onto it. So I Googled “Amanda Hug & Kiss.” Weird, the only results I got back were random mySpace screen names. So I asked Ryan about it.
Ryan: “No, not 'Amanda Hug & Kiss', 'A MAN TO HUG AND KISS'. Haven’t you ever heard that saying?”
Me: “Um…no.”
Ryan: “Seriously?”
Me: “Ha..ha…I was totally kidding. Of course I know that saying.” (Lying, again.)

Verdict: STUPID

Exhibit 6 – For my birthday, my friend Mande bought me this rad black chandelier from Urban Outfitters that I had been coveting for some time. I was so excited when it arrived that I wanted to hang it right away. I decided to place it in the corner of my living room. I have vaulted ceilings, so the spot I wanted to hang it from was about 10 feet high. I don’t have a ladder, so I decided that it would be a good idea to place my step stool on top of the couch and reach the ceiling that way. So I moved the couch to the corner, put the stool on top and tried to climb on. To steady myself, I put my left foot in the window sill and my right foot on the stool. It was tricky getting up, but once I was up I actually thought to myself, “I can totally still rock climb, look how nimble I am.” (I had back surgery 2 years ago and haven’t attempted to rock climb yet.) About 2 seconds later as I stretched up as far as I could to touch the ceiling, I started to wobble. Realizing I was about to fall, I decided to go sideways and hopefully land on the couch instead of backwards onto the floor. Good idea, except that as I fell my foot got caught on the rung of the step stool and all my weight cam crashing down onto the side of my foot as it smacked into the metal step. OUCH!!!!!! I stayed doubled over on the couch for a minute and had to talk myself into not freaking out. “Jasmine – you are ok. It just hurts a bit. You are fine. You didn’t break your foot. Wiggle your toes…..wiggle your toes!” After some nasty bruising and silly hobbling about, my foot eventually healed. The moral of the story – get a fucking ladder.

Verdict: STUPID

Exhibit 7 – I have been completely neglecting this blog. I’ve got some decent excuses; I am trying to break into stand up comedy, and have been working on material for that. I need to find a second job and a new place to live. And I have been pretty swamped at work, not leaving me much time to write.
But enough excuses, I could make time for this blog. And I should. And I really will try. :)

VERDICT: LAZY

Final Tally:
STUPID – 4
LAZY – 4

Ok, so I am stupid and lazy. Wow, this post makes me feel really good about myself. Oh well, fuck it, I’m hungry – off to heat up some ramen!

Cougarzzz

2006-05-05T12:19:00.000-06:00

So this morning on the Today show, they had an entire segment dedicated to Cougars. No, not the Felis concolor, but the nickname now used to describe women in their 40’s who are in search of younger men. They are the ones traveling in packs, wearing clothes that are too tight, too young and far too shinny. Faces painted, hair poofy, bad dance moves & just generally trying way too hard. Oh, and a cigarette hanging off their lip at ALL times.
I immediately had two reactions to this story:

At first I was angry – what the heck? I have been using this term for 5 years!!! Ever since Emilee and I heard it in Cabo San Lucas on my 21st birthday. We heard it from some Canadian fellas who owned a bar and would stop the music to growl if a pack of cougars entered the dance floor. A nickname’s coolness plummets when it gains national recognition. This was one of my words! Katie Couric, you can’t steal it!

My second reaction was – SEE! HA! I told you Cougars was a good term! I have tried to convince most of my friends to use this term, but to no avail. Julie, Mande and Amanda however, have embraced this term, and now the rest of you should too!

Our rendition of cougars…

My Bubba

2006-02-28T17:19:00.000-07:00

All the things that people say about life and death seem so cliché and trite.
And then something happens to you and you cling to the only words you can find to express how you feel. So forgive me if this sounds disingenuous, I assure you I would speak more eloquently if I could. But this is all I can think to say…

"I'm standing on the shore. A ship spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon. And someone at my side says, 'She is gone.'
Gone where? The loss of sight is in me, not in her. Just at that moment when someone says, 'She is gone,' there are others who are watching her coming. Other voices take up the glad and shout, 'Here she comes!'
..And that is dying."

I’m not sure what I believe happens after death. But this quote is lovely and somehow comforting. Someone sent it to me today and it made me smile as I cried.

My Grandma Bubba passed away yesterday.

As I watched her breathe her last breath I realized how lucky I am to have known her. I never knew my birth mom's mother. My mom wasn’t really present in my life, so I never got a chance to meet my maternal grandmother. I never knew my father’s mother. She passed away when my father was on his honeymoon. So my step-mom’s mother became the only grandma I ever knew.

And she was perfect.

She was completely adorable and utterly delightful.
She welcomed everyone she met with open arms and a full plate of food.

She was the epitome of a story book grandma; she was a mere 5 feet tall with a round belly that told of years of chocolate cake and bread pudding indulgence.

She had an old house with a big front porch and a kitchen table big enough to feed any of her 14 grandbabies.

She would let me lie on her lap and play with my hair while she told me stories of moving to New York in 1933 when she was just 16.

She lit up when a child entered the room. And babies clung to her because they could sense what a kind soul she had, in the way that only babies and puppies can sense.

She was tiny but full of vim and vigor. She had a rich and crackly laugh from too many years of smoking. She appreciated the simpler things and had a zest for life that was marvelously contagious.

She was lovely and full of grace.

And the best part is that she was mine.
She was my Bubba and I will miss her dearly.

355 days early...

2006-02-24T15:18:00.000-07:00

You could call this post a wee bit late, or crazy early. I'll go with the later.

Here are some Valentine's Day cards that I strongly encourage you to send out to your loved ones next year.

To my fellow big heads - this one's for you!

Happy Valentine's Day bitches!

Gimme Some Candy!

2006-02-09T13:04:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because I am still half drunk (rough night last night), but my trip to get lunch was surprisingly amusing.
I went to this healthy-ish deli place to get a wrap. And it's decorated with tons of kitschy stuff. It’s cute in a thank God this isn’t my house sorta way. So as I was waiting for my food I wandered around and looked at some of the nick knacks.
So in the back there is this little old grandma doll sitting in a rocking chair, holding a framed picture of a little old grandma in a rocking chair. It was very art imitating life. And next to the chair there is a sign that says,
“Garry does magic. Ask him to show you.”
What??? Who is Garry? Is he her grandson? Does he have a cape? Does he have magic wands for hands and walk around saying, “Look at me, I’m crazy magic hands man. Now gimme some candy!”

Then I go outside to see this car parked next to mine.

Now, that car wasn’t there when I went in. And those tomatoes are all dried out, so they must have been there for a while. So is someone actually driving around with those on their windshield? Maybe it was Garry’s car.

Ok, yeah, pretty sure it was all funny just because I was still slightly inebriated.
And yes, I did actually stand there and take pictures. I rule. Now gimme some candy!

Absolutely Fabulous

2006-01-17T15:13:00.000-07:00

Who's the pretty one?

2006-01-13T16:43:00.000-07:00

Amanda!

Fun with photoshop...

2006-01-12T16:07:00.000-07:00

Andy, Andy who?

2006-01-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

It's the Channel 4 News at 6:00!

2006-01-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

Meet the Denver Team...

I don't know how to put this...but we're kind of a big deal.

Afternoon Delight

2006-01-02T15:44:00.000-07:00

After my last post, I couldn't resist seeing how symmetrical my friends are.
Pretty freaking funny!
In my defense, it's really hard to find straight on pictures of people - we all turn our heads slightly when posing. So some of them aren't very accurate - but amusing none the less!
And Amanda - you are damn funny! I have almost no normal smiling pictures of you!
So here's a little afternoon delight for everyone....

A pillar of timeless beauty...

2006-01-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

So there are said to be 4 pillars of timeless beauty:

- Symmetry- perfect balance of facial features
- Clarity- unblemished skin
- Harmony- all facial features are in exact proportion to each other
- Vivid Color- a vibrant healthy glow

I have heard the symmetry thing before.

Seems pretty obvious, since no one likes a wonky face.

So I decided to see how I measure up against the great beauties in history who are said to have symmetrical faces, where it looks like one side of the face is simply reflecting the other.

Here are the results...

Normal

Well, I am totally asymmetrical..pretty obvious.

Mirrored Right

DEAR LORD!

I totally look like that guy from Mask in this picture!

Oh, and the matching horns that my zit gave me are pretty rad!

Scary!!!

Mirrored Left

Ok, let's move onto this one.

Well, now I know which side I can attribute my large mellon to.

Damn you left side! You just made me gain 5 pounds in my chin alone!

So what have we learned here?

Symmetry - schmymmetry!

Who needs a symmetrical mug when you've got symmetrical twins?

I'm no Mekhi Phifer

2005-12-21T17:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a lovely belated birthday celebration with some friends.
On the way home, I stopped to get gas.
I live in a decent neighborhood. But as soon as you get out of the residential area, the main roads start to get a bit seedy.
It was around 10:30pm, and I pulled into a 7-11 near 38th & Federal.
I left the keys in the ignition and the tried to use my debit card at the pump.
But it gave me that annoying “please see cashier” message.
So I left my keys in the ignition with the car unlocked.
I thought about taking them out, but figured it was ok, since it would be such a quick trip inside.
So I went inside and waited for the girl to finish filling the Slurpee machine, or whatever the hell she was doing. I was signing the receipt when I looked outside and saw this big navy blue Tahoe with dark tinted windows pull up.
They pulled into the station from the opposite direction, so as the driver came to a stop, his car door was parallel with my driver door.
I decided it looked kinda fishy, and I think I mummbled, “what the?” under my breath. The girl behind the counter said, “Yeah – you should go out there.”
So I quickly walked out to see what was going one, and I was walking, the passenger got out of the Tahoe and walked around to my car!
He opened the door and was starting to get in!
And I said, (in the firmest yet non threatening voice I could muster) "Excuse me, can I help you with something?"
The guy just looked at me, got out of my car, slammed the door closed, ran back around the back of the SUV, got in & they sped away!

The girl working there came out and was like, “Are you ok?”
And I was fine – I just had so much adrenaline running through my body!
I could have run like 8 miles!

The knock at the door...

2005-12-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

I have been under the weather for the past few days. I have been nauseous and achy and feverish and the whole bit. So last night I was lying on my couch feeling sad for myself because I didn’t have anyone to take care of me. I realized that it kinda sucks to be single and living alone. There is no one to bring you ginger ale and soda crackers. No one to bring you a blankie, or go buy you more medicine. I was just about to crawl into bed to attempt to get some rest when my doorbell rang. At first I was a little scared. Since I have lived there, no one has just stopped by to see me. I think my fear of unexpected doorbells goes back to my childhood….

When I was about 10 years old, my parents decided to leave me at home alone at night for the very first time. I grew up in the thick wooded mountains in an older house with creaky wooden floors. We lived on a windy dirt road, which can get treacherous in the winter. Before my parents left for the night, my step mom wanted to talk to me about something that could possibly happen while they were away. She went on to explain that since we lived on this dangerous road, there was a chance that someone would get in a car accident. And since we lived on one of the sharper curves in the road, they might crash right out front of our house. And if someone were to crash, they would probably come to our house for help. And if they accident was bad, they would probably be pretty banged up. And if this happened, I should not open the door, but bring the phone with me and talk to them through the door and call for help.
WHAT??? I instantly went into a panic. I had visions of this bloody person banging on my door and screaming for help. And since our door has windows in it, there would be no place for me to hide from them. And they would probably go insane from all of their own blood and become a crazed bloody monster who would want to come in and kill me!
(I am an only child, I have kind of a wild imagination.)
Needless to say, it took a while for my parents to calm me down and my father to convince me that this wouldn’t happen. They arrived late to their dinner party, and had to leave early when they called home to check on me and found out that I was hiding under my covers with the phone and butcher knife.

So you can see why last night the first sound of the doorbell sent a shiver of fear down my (fused) spine. But luckily, I am a big girl now and realize that the likely hood of it being a bloody monster is slim. (Well, actually, I don’t have windows in my door, so I was able to sneak to the side window and peek out and see Ryan’s car on the curb.)
So I opened my door to see a fantastic site: Ryan and Bryn and a huge bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup! They are such good friends! I am so lucky to have them! The soup smelled delicious! My belly still wasn’t cooperating, so I wasn’t able to taste it, but I can’t wait to eat it today! And not only are they the most thoughtful and wonderful friends, but they also put up with my silly request…

Thank you so very much for the scrumptious soup

and your lovely willingness to amuse me!

This is your birthday song...

2005-12-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

Good times were had at my 26th birthday party!
Thanks to all my wonderful friends, it was a great night!

Thanks for wearing the party hats!

You are the best! I love you all! =)

Sober...

Still pretty sober...

Getting tipsy...

And...we're drunk!

Really drunk!

Here TomKitty Kitty Kitty!

2005-12-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

“Help! Someone help Tom!
We were in Shanghai and he started shrinking from the heat! And now he just keeps getting smaller and smaller! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Now he’s ripped my left arm off! I’m loosing a lot of blood! Help!
This is Tom Cruise, THE Tom Cruise! You have to help us!
I’ve loved him since I was in diapers & now I’m carrying his spawn!
Someone save us! Help!”

So here's a question...

2005-12-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

This morning I decided to treat myself to a nice Chai latte.
As I approached the entrance, there was a man several steps ahead of me.
Being the ever polite gentleman, he held the door open for me.
This placed me in front of him as we entered the Starbucks.
So here’s my question – do I get in line in front of him?
Or do I offer to let him go first?
He did arrive at the store before I did, and therefore should have been in line before me. But because he was being nice, he now has to wait for me to get my order.
Chivalry seems to be a dying art form, and I don’t want to be responsible for some guy thinking, “Big headed Slut! I try to be nice to her and she just took my place in line!”
So, it seems like I should offer for him to go first, but then would this be awkward?

Girls and boys – what do you think?

COOLEST. SITE. EVER.

2005-12-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

Coolest. Site. Ever.
www.Pandora.com
Thanks to Melissa for passing along the raddest music site ever!
You have to check this out!
Brilliant!

I love NPR!

2005-11-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

I was listening to a story about an accused Senator this morning on NPR.
Which one?
Exactly.

Anyway, Steve Inskeep ended one story, and had a FANTASTIC segue into the next…
“Just to be clear, the previous story about accused Senators has nothing to do with this next story about rodents. Nothing…at…all…”

Train Wreck

2005-11-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was the conductor of a train.
I chose the wrong track, resulting in a massive train wreck.
I barely survived.

Is my subconscious trying to tell me something?

Sassy VS. Classy

2005-11-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

Where oh where has my crazy Nic gone?

There once was a girl named Nicole
With her sassy ways, our hearts she stole

She liked to scream, she liked to shout
She liked to shake her booty all about

Her BFF was Miss Paris
That gorgeous, delicious Hilton Heiress

When the Simple Life began,
I quickly became the biggest fan

We watched them venture out of their wealthy bubble
We watched the two get into trouble

We watched them travel in a trailer
Scandalously hitting on every cowboy, red-neck and sailor

Bleach on the pool table, fire on the grass
Unsuspecting families they did harass

Their adventures were crazy, ridiculous, and wild
When the third season ended, I cried like a small child

Then suddenly things began to change
Her new behavior seemed so strange

Gone are the sexy clothes and the chasing of cocks
Replaced by DJ AM and mature chic frocks

Gone is that cute curvy girl with the glittery skin,
Replaced by a pixie who’s shockingly thin

Gone are the nights of drunken debauchery
Now she drinks only decaf herbal tea

The part that makes me saddest of all,
Is the lost of her BFF, whom she won’t even call

The girl who was once her partner in crime
Has grown farther apart with the passing of time

I don’t know who you are trying to be
Is it true that you want to put out a CD?

And now you’ve just published your very first book
What’s next? Advice from Martha on how to cook?

You used to be fun, smoke rock and get drunk
Please bring back that girl full of punk and spunk

Where oh where has my crazy Nic gone?

We miss you, We love you

We need you like the earth needs the dawn

There are too many boring,

bobble-head blondes in La La Land
We need a fire-y vixen to make this town grand

I’ve tried my best; I hope that you’ll listen to me
And I’ll issue just one final plea…

OUT OUT OUT with the classy
Please please please bring back the sassy!

What's that smell?

2005-10-25T13:18:00.000-06:00

This is awesome!

Look how the intern is trying to poke his head through Al's legs!
"What? You want me to hold onto his leg? Out there? In the wind?
Well, can I poke my head through his crotch to get some screen time? Yes? Ok, I'll do it!"

Ennie meenie miney moe

2005-10-17T16:36:00.000-06:00

So I have an upcoming comedy audition.
I am super excited, and also a little nervous. I need to bring a headshot with me. So Ryan and I took some shots this weekend. Due to some adverse weather, and the fact that I have a horrible fake smile, most of the pictures were pretty bad. But there are a couple decent ones. Sooo, let me know which one you think is better...

Option # 1:

Option # 2:

And remember kiddies, brutal honesty is really not necessary. :)

I heart Boston

2005-10-04T17:26:00.000-06:00

This morning started with a moment of silence. Today is September 11th. It’s been 4 years sine the attacks on the twin towers. Tears were shed by my fellow travelers. Ironic that I am flying into Logan airport today.

It’s anything but silent now. I am surrounded by the sounds of a bustling city that is winding down and enjoying the late day sunshine on a Sunday afternoon. Sweet. The smell of sugar cones wafts over to me from the ice cream parlor on the corner. I can still faintly hear the swing music being played on the church steps. I was asked to dance, and obliged excitedly. I tried to learn a few steps, but instead laughed my way through the songs. My instructor was patient, and provided me with a fantastic welcome to the city. I moved onto Newbury Street. Down one street and up another. Café, shop, café, café, café, bookstore, shop, café. A plethora of sites and sounds. Every shade of youth you can imagine. The Bostonian accent makes me giggle. Sadly, the cabbie is the only place I’ve heard it thus far. I can’t help smiling. There is something so vibrant and wonderful and European about this city. Brick streets scattered with remnants of dripping ice cream cones and cigarettes smoked on an afternoon stroll. Old buildings with new faces, new cars with aging scratches.

A moment spent on a stoop as the sun begins to set. The pace has slowed, the glances of longing grow longer. The weekend, and the summer for that matter, are drawing near the end. Not many children are here. They are probably at home in their back yards clinging to the last rays of sunshine. Onward I go, new sites to see.

“Excuse me, would you like to join me and my friends for a glass of champagne?” Delighted at my good fortune and the friendliness of a stranger, I accept. I follow the man to the table. 7 people await his return. The 5 drunk males at the table are happy to see me and quickly offer me a seat and a glass of bubbly. The cougars are not as pleased. They sit with their arms folded and snakily look me up and down. I am obviously not the first girl this group has attempted to lure in with the promise of free champagne. I quickly decide they are too drunk and obnoxious, even for me, this early in the evening. I politely decline the drink, and the offer to make out with one of them, and exit the restaurant. I continue my self guided tour of Newberry, then Boylston street, and head to my hotel to freshen up.

New friends, who knew it could be so easy? It’s dark. I just finished dinner with my old friend and her new husband. She is pregnant, and glowing, of course. Boston clam chowder in Boston – delicious! I walk them back to their car. The streets are busy and I am dressed up. I don’t want to go back to the hotel. Not yet. I walk in search of the perfect spot for tini-time. I come upon Sonsie, a fabulous little restaurant / bar with a European feel. Dark and crowded, I decided to be brave and go in. There are no seats at the bar, no open tables. I was so proud of myself for being such a big girl and venturing out, and now it seems to be in vein. No, I am not going to give up. Just look like you know what you are doing. Keep your chin up.
“Can I use this chair?”
“Sure…who are you hear with?” A tall blonde replies.
“Myself.”
Wow, that sounded a lot more confident than I feel. Sarah and Megan make room for me. We get to chatting and instantly bond. Sarah is gorgeous and obviously keen on Boston society. Megan is smoldering and in perfect contrast, a grade school teacher. We share liquid desserts, Chai martinis. I have found perfection. Vodka and Chai tea in the same glass – glorious. We drink until 2am, and they kindly offer to show me around the city over the next few days. I stumble back to my hotel and fall into bed. I conveniently forgot that I was here on business.

I somehow manage to make it through the morning. I get my booth set up at the show, stand back and admire my creation. Not bad, not bad at all. We meet for coffee. Megan has to return to Arizona to school. She will be joining Sarah here in Boston in the spring, but must complete school first. Sarah and I make plans for the evening. I return to my hotel, make sure that all my colleagues have arrived safely and are happy with the booth.

Sarah calls and we make plans to possibly go out on their boat in the harbor. I am thrilled. I piece together the best sailing outfit I can find. A little dressy, but we’re in a high class town right? Sarah picks me up – change of plans. We are having a bar-b-que at her house. Hmm, really overdressed now, but too late to change. Fantastic house. Old and stylish, full of character. She lives with male roommates, but has tried to add some feminine touches to the house. The pink flower painting over the mantle with the matching pink fuzzy blanket on the couch aren’t exactly going over well, but I think it’s cute. Her roommates are dolls. And finally – Boston accents! Although apparently, that is an insult. But I still love them! We drink mandarin vodka and sprite. The boys cook up a feast. Two drinks in and I am too tipsy for food. So Sarah and I have a liquid dinner. Laughter and flirting fill the air. The night becomes fuzzy. Sarah’s crush arrives. I think I over eagerly introduced myself which lead him to realize that I must have heard about him. Oops.

I awake staring at a crack in my ceiling. Wait – I don’t have a crack in my ceiling. Oh, I am in Boston. Wait – this doesn’t look like a hotel room. Oh, I am on Sarah's couch. Damn that sneaky vodka! She call a cab for me. I have 45 minutes until my first interview with the Senior Editor of a huge publishing company. This is bad. I get in the cab? “Do you take cards?” Of course not!
I run back into the house. Does anyone have cash? Nope! I run back out and collect my things. “No more cabs for you!” The angry cabbie snaps at me. Sorry Sarah – you have been black listed by the Taxi Nazi. She takes me back to the hotel. Room service – get here quick! I chug 3 cups of coffee, have a stern chat with myself in the mirror and convince myself I am not half drunk.

The interviews went well. My tipsy blabbing may have worked to my advantage. The day grows long. We take our Russian distributors out to dinner. “Wodka! Wodka!” Ugh – alright – in the name of good company socializing, I man up. Dang those Russians know how to drink vodka! I call Sarah and we are both tired from the night before, so we just hang out to watch movies. Her roommate comes home in a designer t-shirt. I like to pretend that I know a little bit about fashion. I read the magazines, watch E! and love to shop. But I apparently know nothing. Patrick rattles of designers I have never heard of. (And I am sure I can’t afford!) He is opening a restaurant in a month. The names of the people involved are unknown to me. Patrick does his best to not look surprised that I have never heard of any of these people or the places they have designed and opened. I guess I am more of a Colorado girl than I thought.

Ah, room service. You know what? It’s not fair that a lot of people never get the chance to enjoy room service. It’s absolutely fantastic. To be able to make one little phone call and have cart filled with delicious savory food delivered to you while you lounge in a fluffy robe is just brilliant! I could definitely get used to breakfast in bed every morning. Maybe I need to add that to my list (Husband: must have burning desire to bring me breakfast in bed at least twice a week, accompanying roses optional, but strongly encouraged.)

The show is great, another round of great interviews. I am getting good at spewing off computer jargon. The show is long, the tear down is even longer. I am exhausted by the time I return to the room. My mid-day shopping spree probably didn’t help. Thursday arrives. I meet Joany in Copley Square. We dine at Au Bon Pain. Delicious! The North End is adorable. Little Italy really feels like Italy. We stop and sit at little cafés along the way. Touring with a pregnant woman is quite nice. We sit and drink and visit the bathroom often. Quite perfect actually. We walk to the water and stop for a tea at Tia’s on the harbor. We wander to Mike’s pastry shop for a piece of Boston Cream Pie. The cobblestone streets are adorable. The flowers are still in bloom and red path of the Freedom Trail ensures that I pick up a bit of education along the way. I see where Samuel Adams was buried, where the Boston Massacre took place, and a tea pot that has been brewing for 200 years.

Then it’s off to Fenway to see the world famous Boston Red Sox. I was able to get two tickets from my friend George, God Bless him for his generosity! I am waiting to hear from Sarah or Patrick to take them to the game. I have not been able to get a hold of them all day, and am starting to get a little nervous about Sarah. I start walking to Fenway by myself. Two friendly gents ask if they are headed in the right direction for a Sox game. They are in town for business as well. Nice fellows from San Diego. We discuss surf and sports. They think it’s cute that I am going to the game by myself. I think it’s pathetic, but I’ll go with their cute assessment. We have time before the game starts, so the gents invite me to grab a drink first at Tequila Rain. I order a beer and they order huge girlie mango margaritas. They are in those huge plastic goofy shaped glasses. I feel like I’m in Vegas. Ah, beer and some Southy boys next to us…I am getting excited for the game. We enter the park. Perfection. I have never been to an old ball park. It’s wonderful, the sights and sounds are exactly what I expected. Everyone is plastered with Sox gear. Hats, shirts, face paint. There is so much heart in Boston. People are proud to be from here, proud of their team, proud of their ball park. Things you never feel at Coors Field. Time for hotdogs! The gents get regular size dogs, I find a vendor with foot longs. Yummm! Funny though – the dog is longer, but the bun is regular size. Ah well, still scrumptious. We take pictures of the field and pose with a police officer. The park usher tells us that we just posed with a local celebrity. He is the head of the police force and has been on television a lot. Who knew? Time for the game to start, I bid Eric and Jason adieu. I find my seat. I hear from Sarah, her mother is ill and she is in Vermont with her family. I am glad to hear from her, and hope that her mom gets better. Well, it looks like I’ll be watching the game by myself…Or not. A group of twenty something die hard sox fans notice that I am sitting alone, and take pity on me. We share some laughs over beers. They gush about their city. Their love for Boston is contagious, and my affinity for Beantown continues to grow stronger. The game starts out badly for the Sox, and continues to get worse. But the fans stay strong. The A’s pretty much secure their win in the top of the 8th. My new group of friends invite me join them after the game at a local sports bar. But it’s late and I should get back to Joany’s house. On the way to the T, I walk in a drunken happy haze.

Friday is another day of wandering around the city. We see Harvard and MIT. We wander along cobblestone streets and I ache to own one of the adorable brownstones. I decide there is room for me on the Sox bandwagon, and proceed to add some Boston garb to my wardrobe. Nighttime has arrived, and Joany’s Columbian husband teaches me how to cook Plantains. We watch Maria Full of Grace, a Columbian movie about drug trafficking. Crazy shit. It’s neat to watch the movie Javier; he points out cultural nuances. The next morning we rise and go to the Hay Market. Gorgeous fruit, fresh fish and bundles of flowers line the streets. We stop for lunch to have fish and chips. The seafood here is superb. Alas, my trip has come to an end. Javi, Joany and her belly bid me farewell.

On the plane I realize that this was a one of the best trips I have ever had.
This is the first trip I have ever taken on my own. The first time I have stayed in a hotel room by myself. The first time I have completely gone out of my comfort zone and risked embarrassment at the chance of making a friend. I made myself vulnerable, and it worked. I didn’t stop smiling from the moment I landed at Logan airport. I was so happy the whole time I was there, because I decided to be happy. I smiled at people, so they smiled back. I chatted with people, so they chatted back. It’s so simple, and yet I never realized how easy it is.
I understand that all trips won’t be like this. Sometimes people might not be so nice. But sometimes they will, and I need to put myself out there more often. When I am at home, I settle into my routine and go out with my friends. The only strangers I meet are the occasion boy in a bar.
This is one of my favorite trips, not because it was the most fun I’ve ever had, but because I learned so much about myself and the complete control I have over my own outlook on life. I return to Denver with a renewed spirit and a deep love for The City on A Hill.

Update on Katrina Relief Drink-A-Thon

2005-09-22T09:44:00.000-06:00

I want to update everyone on the Drink-a-thon and once again ask for your support.

First, a big thank you to all of you who have already pledged or donated money. I sincerely appreciate all you can give or have given, whether it is $1/drink, $10 lump sum or whatever. Remember, the money isn’t going to me, it’s going to all the people in Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi who have lost everything – so every little bit counts.

Second, word on the Drink-a-thon has hit our local media. Today an article was released in the Westword (a local denver paper) Click here for the article: http://www.westword.com/Issues/2005-09-22/news/offlimits.html
So exciting! The Westword will also be present at the event on Saturday.

The Rocky Mountain News’, Penny Parker, mentioned us in her column last Friday. Click here if you are interested in reading it.
Also, one of our local radio stations, Alice 105.9, has us featured on their Web site. Click on this link to view, http://www.alice1059.com/alicecares.asp

We sent out an updated press releases today, so hopefully that will generate a little bit more buzz and raise more money. It’d be really something to get to our goal of $10,000.Remember, to pledge or donate money, please visit our Web site at http://www.katrinadrinkathon.org/. If you click on “Make a pledge”, that will allow you to make either a pledge or a lump sum donation. (Donations and pledges will be collected after the event)So this is my final plea to you – please pledge or donate money. Please.If you have already given and can’t give any more, great! Please don’t feel guilty, the point is to help the needy, regardless of it’s through the Drink-a-thon or some other charity. Also, if you can’t afford to give, don’t feel guilty, I totally understand.For everyone else, anything you can spare would be greatly appreciated, $.25, $1.00, $5.00.

Thanks so much for your support!
Jasmine

Katrina Relief Drink-a-thon

2005-09-19T09:41:00.000-06:00

It's time to show we care,

Please share

what you can spare

You have all heard about the destruction that Hurricane Katrina brought to the Alabama, Louisiana, and Mississippi. I and a few of my resourceful friends have decided to organize a fundraiser to collect donations for The American Red Cross Hurricane Katrina Relief Fund.

On September 24, we will be holding a drink-a-thon at Lodo’s Bar and Grill in Downtown, Denver. This event will operate like any other "a-thon" type event. We will be collecting pledges on a per drink basis. 100% of the money we collect is going to the American Red Cross. The overhead costs of this fundraiser (i.e. drinks, web site, etc) are being donated by the participants. Our goal is to collect $10,000 dollars.

We have already started to generate the type of positive response we were seeking. We have been mentioned in the Rocky Mountain News, and an article will appear in the 9-22-05 edition of the Westword. A reporter from the Westword will also be present at the event. There is also a link on the Alice 105.9 website.

I assure you that although this sounds like an unconventional way to raise money, we have taken precautions to assure that this will be a fun, safe and positive event. “Sober spotters” will be present at the event, and NO drinkers will be driving. I urge you to please check out our website for more information and answers to common questions. http://www.katrinadrinkathon.org/

Hopefully the web site has convinced you of the validity of this fundraiser, so now comes the sales pitch. I would like to ask you to sponsor me. I understand that a lot of people have already given and if you have then great! But if you haven't or can give a little more then I would really appreciate it. If you don't like the idea of sponsoring drinking, then I can also accept a lump sum donation for a fixed dollar amount.

Thank you for at least taking a look at the site. My friends and I have put a lot of effort into putting it together and gathering information. I would also like to ask you to ask anybody you know for pledges on my behalf. If you get any responses, let me know and I will figure out the best way to collect their donation. The goal we set is very high and the only chance we have of achieving that goal is if we can get lots of help! Thank you very much for hearing me out, and I hope everything is well for each of you!

Daddy Warbucks

2005-08-26T10:18:00.000-06:00

So I drove behind Daddy Warbucks on my way to work this morning.

Seriously buddy?

It's 8:00am and you are smoking a Stogie...in a car?

I Love Lucy’s Dead Corpse

2005-08-12T11:23:00.000-06:00

Lucille Ball is fantastic. She is a comedic genius. She paved the way for female comedians. Her role as Lucy Ricardo made it ok for women to be more than just a pretty face or the nagging housewife, as most other actresses of her time were stuck portraying. She made it ok to be beautiful and funny. She lit up the little screen.

One of my favorite Lucy moments takes place in the “LA at Last” episode. This is the episode where she goes to LA to meet famous movie stars and tries to disguise herself with a big rubber nose. She smokes a cigarette, and the nose catches fire. This wasn’t in the script; they never planned on the nose catching fire. But it happened during filming and Lucy just went with it; calmly dunking her nose into William Holden’s coffee mug, creating one of the most memorable episodes of the series.
It’s this razor sharp wit and brilliant physical comedy that makes her one of my very favorite comedians of all time.

And sadly…she is dead.

According to a recent survey, she is our favorite dead star.
Is it just me, or is this survey a little morbid?

BEST DREAM EVER!!!

2005-08-05T14:08:00.000-06:00

So last night I had a dream about Paris Hilton. (No, not that kind of dream)

I dreamt that we were at a spa getting pedicures at the same time. So we started talking. I was very calm and talked to her like she was just another person.
(Which is totally not what would happen in real life. In real life I would freak out and start screaming like a fucking twelve year old and ask her to sign my boob so I could get it permanently tattooed on. )
But this was a dream, so although I was SOOOOO excited to be talking to her, I remained calm and just chit chatted about girl stuff. She was there with Kimberly Stewart –her new BFF since her and Nicole had their cat fight. We were getting along famously, so Paris invited me to go shopping with her and Kim after the Spa. We were suddenly in Vegas in the new Wynn hotel’s mall. I have never been there, but I am sure Bill’s description of the hotel helped me create the mall in my mind. Every store we went into, the girls just walked around and casually pointed at things they wanted while the shop clerks followed around grabbing the items. In the second store, Paris asked “J, (yeah, we were already on a nick name basis!) are you feeling ok?”
“Yeah, I am great! Why?” I responded with a smile as big as Outer Mongolia that I couldn’t and didn’t really want to get rid of.
Apparently, she had never seen someone go shopping without actually buying anything. Not wanting to squelch our rapidly blossoming friendship, I started perusing the store to find an item I might actually be able to afford.
I couldn’t find anything for under $500. I finally settled on a white wife beater tank top for $500. Yep, a tank that I could buy at Old navy for $5 dollars, I was willing to spend $500 on just so I could stay in the cool crowd with Paris and Kim.
As I approached the counter, the sales person said to me, “Oh, Miss Hilton has had everything charged to her room. Your item will be sent to your room.”
SWEET! Paris Hilton just bought me a piece of clothing. I kicked myself for not having gotten the turquoise leather mini skirt that I had really wanted. And wait, did they say my room? I guess the dream fairies had smiled on me and somehow managed to get me a suite next to Paris. As we walked into the next store, a symphony began. (This being a dream – it wasn’t just music in my head – there was an actual orchestra playing right inside the store.) We were here – we had reached my heaven – The Manolo Blahnik store. “Ahhhhhh,” the angels chimed.
This was the happiest moment of my (sleeping) life. It was fantastic – I must have tried on 100 pairs of shoes. Every one was beautiful and fit perfectly.
“We’ll take them all,” Paris casually instructed the staff. They boxes were swiftly gathered and taken to our rooms. We got matching pairs! I could tell she was considering crowning me her new BFF!
A crowd had started to follow us and by this time, there was at least 500 people waiting outside the store to catch a glimpse of the heiress. As we exited the store, she politely stopped to sign autographs and take pictures. Kim and I were smiling in the pictures next to her. I remember asking on of the people to please send me a copy of these photos so I could remember this day forever.

Sadly, after a little more shopping and some ridiculously bad gambling on Kim’s part, the dream ended.

I awoke slightly confused. Why was I in this small dark room with t-shirt material sheets on the bed? What had happened to the enormous suite at the Wynn and the 3,000 count Egyptian cotton sheets? I ran to my closet and came to the harsh realization that this had been a dream.
There was not 100 pair of Manolo’s crying out for their turn to be worn.

Alas, there is no picture for me to frame, only the memories written here to remind me of my best dream ever.

But I am happy today and have a renewed love for my Paris, or "H" as she wanted me to call her. (I was "J", Kim was "K", but "P" sounded too icky, so we called her "H" for Hilton.)

Tonight I am going to rent The Hillz and House of Wax in hopes of falling asleep and going on another adventure with the lovely Miss Hilton.

And hopefully tonight Nicole will come along – I miss that crazy bitch.

Meet Snuppy

2005-08-03T12:20:00.000-06:00

Welp, they did it - they've cloned a dog.

But why would they choose a dog who is"ranked by dog trainers as the least companionable and most indifferent among the hundreds of canine breeds"?

"The Afghan hound is not a particularly intelligent dog, but it is beautiful. Many people who opt for the cloning technique are more interested in fashionable looks, " said psychologist Stanley Coren.

Wow, sounds like we're off to a really good start...um...good job guys.

Three dollar bill

2005-07-28T13:43:00.000-06:00

So last night I helped a man pick out a purse.
I was in Target, waiting to get a prescription filled. (just birth control – no exciting new STDs)
So I wandered over to the accessories department. As I was looking at some purses, two guys walked up. I didn’t really pay any attention to them at first. A couple minutes passed and one of the guys said to me, “Excuse me, can you help me with something? I am trying to pick out a purse for my girlfriend.”
I looked from one guy to the other, they were clearly gay.
I didn’t buy for a second that this guy had a girlfriend, but I wanted to be nice. “Sure, do you have an idea of what she might like?”
He launched into this entire speech about how last time he got her a pink one to go with this halter dress that he bought her to take her to a party his “uncle” was throwing. So this time he wanted to get her something in a more neutral tone that could go with more outfits. And it needed to be big enough to hold her cell phone, keys, wallet, a few tubes of lipstick, cover-up, powder, mascara and an eyelash curler (because that’s the one cosmetic she can’t live without) chapstick, hand lotion, sunglasses, etc.

Oh wow. These are the thoughts that quickly ran through my head:

First of all, you are going to buy someone a purse from Target? Now before you label me as the biggest snob ever, let me clarify. There is nothing wrong with purses from Target. I was looking at them – I would have gladly bought one if I had found one I liked. But there is a difference between finding a great cheap item for yourself, and buying it for someone else. It would be like bringing generic beer to a house warming party. Or taking a girl to the taco bell on your first date. There are some things you just don’t do.
It would be different if this guy was in stone washed cut-off jean shorts and a faded Metallica t-shirt, sporting a mullet. But he was dressed really nicely. He was wearing nice dress slacks with a button up from Banana Republic. And it was a new one from the fall line, so I know this guy had some money.
Buddy - I know she is just your beard, but if you want to make it believable, go get her a purse at least from Aldo or something. Even the Gap for God's sake!

Second of all – you’re gay! You are supposed to have good taste! If you buy her dresses and purses, and you dress yourself that well – shouldn’t you be able to pick this out yourself?

Thirdly – you know what an eyelash curler is? Most guys have some clue about makeup from their moms, sisters or girlfriends, but this guy knew WAY too much! He knew exactly what kind of makeup she uses at home, and which items she wouldn’t be able to leave the house without.

Fourth – you’re gay! Its 2005 - it’s perfectly socially acceptable to be gay. Embrace your gayness. Don’t’ date some poor girl who probably brags to her friends about how you are the “sweetest, most considerate, understanding guy in the world.” And if this whole thing is just a cover up and the purse is really for you – that’s ok too! But if you want my honest advice about fashion, you’re gonna have to start being honest with me.

Nevertheless, this guy seemed like a perfectly nice fellow, and I wanted to help him out. So we walked around and picked out a couple that might work and I left the two of them there to decide on the winner. As I walked away, I heard him say to his friend, “wouldn’t it be cute if I could find a matching coin purse?”

Wow.

Money is better in color

2005-07-27T11:40:00.000-06:00

Why did Iron and Wine sell out and give their song, “Such Great Heights” to an M&Ms commercial?
Have you guys seen it? It’s a bunch of M & Ms swirling around in a pattern that reminds me of those trampoline montages from That 70’s Show.
I guess I take this a little personally, because it’s one of the great songs from the Garden State Soundtrack.
I know Iron and Wine hasn’t achieved massive success yet, and I am sure that they got a lot of money for the song, but still, it makes me sad.

Going Nowhere Slowly

2005-07-26T15:48:00.000-06:00

Why is it that when singers do acoustic versions, do they feel the need to sloowwwww waaaaaaaayyy down?
Go ahead – use your artistic freedom and flare to spice the song up a bit – like the way Billy Joel does with Piano Man. But please try to remember, the reason why you got this acoustic gig is because we liked the original song so much. So at least try to make it resemble the original. I love the new “Chariot” song by Gavin DeGraw.
Heck, I love Gavin DeGraw! He is great, and totally cute, and he is friends with Zach Braff, so it makes me like him 10 times more. (Zach actually directed the video for Chariot!)

But recently, Gavin was here in Denver and performed live at our local radio station, Alice. I went to see him and when he started playing this song, it was so slow I almost thought it was a joke at first.

“Oh.…Char.…iot….your….Gol.…den….wa….ves.…are.…walk….ing….down….up….on….this.…fa….ce.…”

It was soooo slow!
And his guitar playing didn’t even remotely go with his singing. Not even close, it sounded like he was playing a totally different song! We get it buddy – you are an artist – you can probably sing scat if you wanted to. But please – you are still just a little fish.
You need to win us over before we’ll go along with your random wailing.

Speaking of annoying acoustic versions, does it bother anyone else that Alanis Morissette has released “The Jagged Little Pill – The Acoustic Version”? It is the EXACT same 12 songs as the original “Jagged Little Pill” that she put out like 10 years ago! She just sings them acoustically this time around. Are you kidding me? You are basically a one hit wonder. Well, really a one album wonder. But you haven’t done anything that anyone has even heard of since then! And now you think that you are good enough to re-release this album? Who do you think you are? Eric Clapton? The Rolling Stones?
I am sorry little miss angry, but are you kidding me?
Even the album cover has barley changed:

OLD: NEW:

Ok, so here’s the really bad part – they are actually playing this new version of “you oughta know” on the radio! Come on people! This song was pretty good back in the day – but now? NO! She is old and washed up and clinging onto an audience that doesn’t want her!

On a happier note, the BEST SHOW EVER was on last night! LAGUNA BEACH, baby!!!

Last night was the premier of the second season. I LOVE this show!
And last nights episode was FANTASTIC!
Last season we watched a great love triangle between LC, Stephen and Kristin.
This season promises to have much more drama between these three! And there are some new hot kids in town to spice things up. So you guys should really watch it!
And, for anyone that wants to give me a present, just cause – you should totally buy me the first season DVD. And I will seriously be your friend.

The Gorgeous LC

Smokin' Hot Stephen (yummy!)

That skanky bitch, Kristin

Toy Soldier

2005-07-25T16:21:00.000-06:00

Oh lord – simmer down people!
The movie, Wedding Crashers, has gotten the Vietnam Vets a little riled up. In the movie and on their website, they suggest posing as a Purple Heart recipient to get chicks. You can read the full article here – but this is the best line:

"Talk to some of these people who don't have legs anymore and see how funny they think that movie is."

Speaking of people posing as military personnel, I once knew a guy who REALLY REALLY wanted to be a Marine.
So much that he lied about enlisting to his friends and family.
He lied about taking a ride in a fighter jet as part of the recruitment process.
He even went so far as to BUY a uniform from the military store and actually wear it out to the bars. He would go out and get free drinks all night and have people thanking him for being so noble. And you know what the worst part about this was?
He was proud of himself! He bragged, “People showed me so much respect, I had so much power.”
Wow, that guy was a real prize piece.
But karma will always come back to get ya!
He just recently got married to a selfish, controlling, manipulative, spoiled girl with bad teeth who doesn’t believe in washing her crotch.
So in his defense, I am sure his marriage is somewhat like the military.

Gwen*: Alright you maggot, get your pansy ass out of bed and get me breakfast.
Nat*: Ma’am, yes ma’am.
Gwen: You are not spending enough time with me – get rid of all your friends so you have more time for me.
Nat: But, I like my Star Wars figurines…ma’am.
Gwen: I don’t give a flying fuck, you poor excuse for a man– get rid of them!
Nat: Ma’am, yes ma’am.
Gwen: And while you’re at it – get rid of the 3 series beamer. It’s so white trash. Get me a 7 series, you shit bag.
Nat: Ma’am, yes ma’am.
Gwen: Now, tell me I am beautiful, you shit for brains.
Nat: You are beautiful, Gwen. But you know what would make you even more beautiful? Maybe if we got those teeth of yours fixed – or at least cleaned.
Gwen: WHAT? I am the most beautiful creature in the world. You are so fortunate to be with me. You should thanks your lucky stars, you ape-like douchebag!
Nat: You are right, you are so perfect, I am lucky to be your slave, er, I mean husband, ma’am.
Gwen: Ok, to make it up to me - get down there and give me oral pleasure.
Nat: But you don’t bathe….ma’am.
Gwen: What? What did you say to me, you scumbag? I bathe!
Nat: But you don’t use soap down there…ma’am.
Gwen: Boy, I am gonna whomp your ass if you don’t get down there immediately! MOVE IT FATSO!
Nat: Ma’am, yes ma’am.

Ahh, isnt' it great how everything evens out in the end?

* These names have been changed to protect the innocent – me.
I don’t want that psycho “Nat” showing up at my house with a “military” issued gun.

Wonkatastic!

2005-07-20T17:53:00.000-06:00

The first (and only) time I watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, I had nightmares for months.
It wasn’t the sight of little tubby-kins Augustus Gloop being sucked up a tube, or Veruca Salt plunging to her death, or even watching Violet swell up to Anna Nicole Smith(pre Trim Spa) size.

No, no – it wasn’t any of that – those little kids were naughty and they deserved the torture they got. (At least that’s what my mean babysitter told me so I would stop throwing peanuts at her head.)
No, all of that was just fine – it was those damn Oompa Loompas!
Those creatures scared the shit out of me. With their creepy little bodies and bright orange faces and those scary chant-like songs they would sing. I hated them. I still hate them. I have refused to watch that movie since I was little. We did that play in high school and whenever the actors would sing those songs, I would have a mini panic attack. Lucky, I played Augustus Gloop, so I was too hot inside a huge pillow stuffed costume to really pay attention to what was happening.

I actually played one half of Augustus Gloop. We changed the character to be Siamese Twins, so my BFF, Mande, and I were the Gloop Twins. Our costume was fantastically horrible - we used a HUGE pair of sweatpants, and each got into one leg, with some atrocious sweater that easily could have fit the entire cast of Celebrity Fit Club. The best part of the whole play was when we fell into the chocolate river. We made a fake chocolate river cardboard cut out that was about one foot high. We didn’t take into consideration that when we got into our costume filled with huge pillow padding, we were easily 3 feet high lying on our backs. So when it came time for us to jump into the river and supposedly be sucked up the tube, the audience could easily watch us attempt to crawl backwards off the stage. Well, with all that padding, we didn’t realize that our huge sweatpants were slowly sliding off as we slithered backwards. So yeah, that was one of about 16 times in high school when I “accidentally” flashed a large crowd.

I digress…. Let’s just say I HATE Oompa Loompas.

But yesterday, I had a revelation:
As I walked to my car and saw my shadow, I realized that my hair totally flips out at the bottom like an oompa loompa!
Maybe the reason I have such a problem with Oompa Loompas is because I look like one!

Hair that flips out at the bottom – check
Big head – check
Orange coloring – check
Short – check
Round – check
Sing badly often – check
Ability to instill fear in those around me - check

(Although this last one may not count, as the fear I cause comes from my loved ones worrying that I am going to combust from a sex, vodka, hotdog overload)

In related Charlie and The Chocolate Factory news –
- Johnny Depp seriously scares me as the new Wonka. I would take him as Scissorhands over Wonka any day of the week. (And by take, I mean invite him over for sushi. And by invite him over for sushi, I mean...well, you know.)

- Check out this picture from the Willy Wonka premier:

Has she never seen the movie, or sung the song?
“I’ve got a golden ticket.” Not, "I have the golden ticket." Stupid Brit.

Pull my finger

2005-07-14T09:01:00.000-06:00

My Dad is the best...

"Pull my finger!"

So fun!

2005-07-13T17:18:00.000-06:00

Click this link to see some seriously funny shit!

http://www.weddingcrashersmovie.com/crashthistrailer/index.htm?id=40181

Ryan and Bill's expressions are so perfect!

(You are only allowed to open this if you are 21 - no I am not kidding)

Lost in translation

2005-07-13T12:13:00.000-06:00

This is awesome...
This is an e-mail that a co-worker of mine just sent out to the company...

"Hello campers!
I have 4 choices for you! Please let me know as soon as possible the campground you prefer, the week-end that works best for you, how many people will you have with your party, how many tents and if you will come on Friday evening or Saturday.
The PC team will pay for the campground fee but you will be responsible for your own food and wood and transportation.
Thanks, Eric
P.S. I need volunteers to pitch my tent."

Eric is from Switzerland, and I am assuming that he has no idea what he just said.

Birthday Pics!

2005-07-08T09:31:00.000-06:00

Until I can figure out how to create albums on here, I am just gonna post some pictures right here.
Here are some photos from my 25 1/2 birthday.
Thank you to all of my lovely friends for making it so FANTASTIC!
I love you oodles!

The Whole Gang

Ryan, Bill, James, Vanessa, Bryn, Nicole, Julie, Amy, Me

How hot are we? =)

Brotherly Love

Weeee!

And now for some really hot "throwing out my vibe" pics!

Willie's Vibe

Julie's Vibe

Amy's Vibe

Bryn's Vibe

Nic's Vibe

Ry's Vibe

Wanna see my balls?

2005-07-07T10:02:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned in a previous post, last week I got to go to a Rockies game.
And the second most exciting thing of the whole night was when my friend Ryan caught a fly ball!
(The first most exciting thing was getting to eat a hot dog, but I am sure you probably could have guessed that.)
It was great! We had just talked about what we would do if a ball was heading towards us. He said he would try to catch it and I admitted that I would probably duck for cover.
And 5 minutes later – it happened!
Garrett Atkins hit a fly ball and as it started to come down we realized it was heading right towards us! I covered my head and Ryan got ready to catch it. It came down and smacked the seats in front of us and bounced into the aisle. And Ryan got it! The really amazing thing is – this is the second fly ball I have seen Ryan get! He caught one last year at a game we went to! This kids luck is fantastic!
He currently has the ball from last year sitting on his desk at work.
I suggested that he put the new one right next to the old one.
That way, whenever a cute girl comes to his office he can have the following conversation:

Ryan: “Wanna see my balls?”
Cute Girl: "What?"
Ryan: "They're official."
Cute Girl: "What's official?"
Ryan: "My balls...wanna see them?"

All this baseball talk reminds me of a great question one of my friends asked at game:

What would your into music be as you stepped up to the plate?

Here are my suggestions for some of the great (and not so great) pro baseball players:

“Past the Point of No Return” from Phantom of the Opera
for Tony Womack of the Yankees, no explanation needed.

“I walk the line” by Johnny Cash
for Hideo Nomo of the Devil Rays – a 6.80 ERA, almost as many walks as strikeouts.

“Help” by The Beatles
for Cristian Guzman of the Nationals - His .239 OBP is the lowest of any qualifier in all of baseball.

“Stayin’ Alive” by the BeeGees
for Satchel Paige, who was the oldest player to participate in an All-Star Game at 47 years, seven days (1953).

“The Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel
for Dan Kolb of the Braves who’s walked 23 batters in 32 innings.

“Both Sides, Now” by Joni Mitchell
for Billy Bean of the Padres who has played for both teams, and no I am not talking about AL or NL.

“You can’t always get what you want” by The Rolling Stones
for Omar Infante of the Tigers who is going to be in for a lot more bench time in the near future after the acquisition of Placido Polanco and the recent return from the DL of Carlos Guillen.

“Everybody hurts” by REM
for Aaron Boone of the Indians who is The worst player in baseball this season not named Tony Womack or Cristian Guzman.

“I wanna be sedated” by The Ramones
for Jackie Robinson, who is said to have suffered from pronounced symptoms of mental disorder, particularly depression. (We still love ya Jackie!)

“I feel good” by James Brown
for Derrek Lee of the Cubs who currently has a .377 BA

“Born to Run” by Bruce Springsteen
for Bob Hayes of the Cowboys – (yeah, I know that’s NFL, but it was too hard to figure that out for baseball)

“Whole Lotta Shaking Going On” by Jerry Lee Lewis
for Ben Petrick of the Rockies who has Parkinson’s disease. (I know, that was mean)

“Light My Fire” by The Doors
for Kenny Rogers of the Rangers who received a 20 game suspension for his tirade last week against two TV cameramen that left one of them in the hospital.

“Superstitious” by Stevie Wonder
for Wade Boggs of the Red Sox, who would eat only chicken the day of a game, and used to draw a symbol that means “To Life” in the dirt before every at-bat.

“I fought the law” by Bobby Fuller Four
for Darryl Strawberry, who was an All-Star player years ago, but now he's just another guy with a growing rap sheet.

“The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel
for Bo Jackson who is still confused about which sport he wants to play.

“Let’s get it on” by Marvin Gay
for Javy Lopez of the Orioles who is smokin’ hot! (For a baseball player)

Tune in tomorrow when I suggest some intro music for our favorite celebs!

Ramblings Of An Insomniac

2005-07-05T16:45:00.000-06:00

I am a little tired after the three day weekend and am completely swamped at work - so I have no time for a new post. So here is a silly e-mail that I sent one morning at 4am to my lovely friends....

BTW - I had back surgery last October and was at home for three months.
I tended to get just a wee bit stir crazy.

(This really isn't even that funny - but if you are bored at work - enjoy.)

"From: Jasmine
Sent: Tuesday, November 30, 2004 4:01 AM
To: Ryan, Bill, Julie
Subject: ramblings of an insomniac...

ramblings of an insomniac...

As this is now the 3rd consecutive evening that I have not so much as yawned before 3:00am, I would like to give you a glimpse into my night life...

These are original thoughts...do with them what you will...

I am currently snacking on Triscuits which I found in Mel's "do not eat these, they have too many carbs" snack bag that she hid from herself at the bottom of the pantry because my parents have neglected to take me grocery shopping for the last two weeks... anyway...on with it...

First of all, did you know that there is a plethora of infomercials on after 1:00am? I am not kidding, I counted 99 channels that were trying to sell me some useless shit, and I only have 98 - so go figure that one out. I would like to share with you a few of my favorites...

- "Slim n' Lift Panty"
Let's begin with a ridiculously overweight host. She has a Canadian accent with a little hmm...Scottish maybe thrown in...odd. Anyway she is sporting a lovely orange jumper that looks like a pumpkin yacked all over her and she forgot to clean it off. Let's call her Tangerine Mama, Tang for short. Tang has droopy eyelids, and appears to be on Quaaludes. Tang is discussing the Slim n’ Lift Panty with two models. The first is a Jersey girl who claims, "I wouldn't go in public without my slim n' lift."
Listen sister, I don't know who you think you're kidding - but you can see that weird pointy wire contraption through your clothes. Let's be honest - you like cupcakes, and that's ok - but don't go out looking like Frankenstein (that's my job).
Then the lovely Tang moves onto our second model who is a large black woman with a Jamaican accent, or maybe it's Caribbean...who am I kidding - I don't know the difference. She actually pulls off the contraption a little better - she has huge ta-tas which covers at least the top wires. Then...the moment we've all been waiting for - the inventor herself decides to join us...let this be the record...this is the first time in my 24 years on this planet in which I have seen a hairy hair lip...take a minute...try to imagine what that looks like...yummy isn't it....

Entire commercial budget: $500
Slim n' lift panty: 3 easy payments of $29.99
Getting to see a hairy hair lip: Priceless

Ps, btw - you'll have to pardon me when I use 4 .... instead of 3 ... - it means I really want you to stop and give it a good think .... did you do it?

Onward -
- "Silver Bullet"
The next infomercial that I really stopped to give some thought to was the "Silver Bullet"...no, not what you think it is...it slices, it dices and even purées. Eh – it would have been better if it is what I thought it would be.
From there I ran the gauntlet of useful items that I can’t believe I have lived so long without…a “Smart Kitty” kitty litter training pan that comes with (for a limited time only) 8 holiday cake decorating stencils.???? Umm…yeah – I don’t think those sprinkles on cakes are supposed to be crunchy…

…sorry, coughed on a Triscuit - had to get a drink – where were we?

Oh yes, next came the usual “I lost 85 pounds in six hours,” “You could loose half your body weight with just one simple machine” and the raining champ: “for only 35.48 seconds a day 3 times a week, you could look like these people with the weird orange tans and stone wash cutoff shorts.”

Quick Break:
Trivia Question: What 80’s sitcom star now has his or her own infomercial?

Ok, back to the ‘mercials: (yeah – that’s right I just made up new slang for all my insomniac peeps out there – you know who you are – you know the entire lineup on VH1’s Insomniac Theatre.)

-I found the Lord, thanks to my Bible on tapes CD’s. By the 48th CD I was convinced – who would write this much about something that isn’t true?

-I am starting my owe realty business from my home computer with no personal interaction and by the summertime I’ll have enough to jet you all out to my yacht in St. Tropez.

-I have an entire houseful of furniture ordered from Jake Jabs – I’m hoping for the white tiger – I’m not sure if you get to pick the color though.

-I learned how to write my own grant from Matthew Lesko at http://www.howtogetagrant.com/ – which is how I am buying the house I got all the furniture for. This is a real web site – I encourage you to learn as well.

- I bought a “Little Giant” – this time, it is what you think it is – are you proud of me Ry?

- I learned to fly fish, bought Estban’s “How to play a guitar” videos since they’re not available on DVD, got a cute periwinkle twin set, learned how to make cous cous and mango salsa, am getting a whiter smile in just 3 uses, bought rapido marinago laringare from Telamundo (say it with that voice like I know you want to) which I think will help me make that mango salsa a little quicker, and Ry – I know the weather patterns all over the globe and the expected storm systems, which will come in handy for Japan trip planning…deep breath….and finally, I bought the “Voluptuous” breast enhancer with double strength formula so I can be without material constriction on these girls for a long time to come.

Another interesting thing is that Channel 56 is the “Official Source for Programming Information” which simply directs you to Channel 8 for community activities. Are you kidding me? There is an entire channel dedicated to telling you to go to other channels? Ok, can we get our own shows? Cause I can guarantee that they would be slightly more entertaining than that!

Ry – you could have like a gabazillion shows with all the random stuff you know – some of your most popular would be: Iron Chef Ryan, Tool Time With RyRy and Programming for Smarties.
Willie – you could showcase your talents by providing us with movies, short stories, and the occasional proposal writing. Oh – and how could I forget – Pseudo Girlfriends – How to give em’ a likin’ and keep em’ tickin’. Julie and I could be in your movies and we promise to have a pillow fight if you give us good lighting.

Jules- you could have: Julie’s Traveling Equestrian Show, Toe Socks – Are they right for you? And my fav...Curly, Straight, Blonde, Brunette…which will she be this week?

And I could have a singing program where I sing Moondance every week in a different accent, and a medical show where I show my scars and progress and Japanese and Knitting – how not to do them..

Wait – I was too easy on Ry – I forgot about his show, Cuffs – how to wear em’ and still look like a man.

To round off my perfect evening of television viewing, I came upon a show that quite frankly scared me…a Japanese movie that was dubbed with another Asian language which sounded Japanese (Jules – if we were doing better on our tapes I would be able to tell). And then there was Japanese character subtitles at the bottom.
Ok – so who is their target market for this show?
Are they really speaking Japanese dubbed in Thai language with Chinese subtitles, just to make sure they get air time in all of Asia? I am baffled by this program.

I suddenly feel a little like Bridget Jones or Carrie Bradshaw…can a man ever love a girl who is this crazy?

Ok Kiddies – if you read this far, then you really are my friends and I really love you for putting up with my cabin fever stir craziness.

Again…

These are original thoughts...do with them what you will...

It is amazing what Oxycontin will do to a gal.

Disclaimer: This message is in no way, shape or form an attempt at competing with Williams well thought out and heartfelt e-mail (that made me cry). Such an attempt would be a mockery and dare I say, a crime.

Please – for my ego’s sake- cue the slow clap guy. "

RAD

2005-06-30T14:50:00.000-06:00

This is the coolest!

Wait until she gets stuck - then you can move her around! It's fun!
I think her booty is all flat from landing on it all the time.
And for the Ryan's out there - here is a description of how it actually works.

I found this on someone else's blog - but it was way too cool not to pass along!

Indecisive much?

2005-06-29T14:16:00.000-06:00

I don’t know what my deal is lately, but I am ridiculously indecisive.
I find myself overwhelmed with the simple task of picking out what to wear, which highway to take, choosing what CD to listen to, or the number of minutes I should tan for.

But the most annoying one has got to be my wishy-wahsy-ness about food. Having to choose a restaurant suddenly seems like the most daunting task. Not because I can’t think of anything good, but because I am scared to pick the wrong one. What if I choose to go to Free State Brewery, and I end up getting onion rings and they are too greasy and then my belly hurts, or what if the person I am going with doesn’t like bar food? (Ha! Who doesn’t like bar food?)

I have found myself on numerous occasions standing in front of the drink cooler at a 7-11 trying to decide what type of drink I want. Do I want a soda, some juice, a coffee-ish drink, the hyrdating sports drink or maybe a slurpee? When I finish weighing out all the pros and cons of each, and I finally pick the sports drink. Next I have to choose what brand, then I can’t seem to decide between the 16 flavors that are available.

To illustrate my point further, here’s what happened at lunch today…

So it’s lunchtime, and although it would be much healthier and cost effective, I am still not packing a lunch. Partly because I am lazy, but mostly because I don’t want to sit in the lunch room by myself. I have made friends here, but the awkward 6th grader in me comes out and I get scared.So anyway, it's lunchtime and I am hungry. But my belly is still a little woozy (it has been the last couple days, not sure why).
So although I really need to start dieting and attempt to loose weight, I don’t want to eat just a lil’ salad and be hungry in an hour and then start feeling nauseous. Anyway, I am totally craving a hot dog, especially since I can go next door to Costco and get one AND a drink for $1.50!
But I decide, no, that is too unhealthy, and I just got to eat one last night, so let's get something else. So I go to King Soopers, look in the deli, nothing good. All the prepackaged “meals” if you can call them that looked gross. The sandwiches looked alright, but I decided I should go to an actual sandwich shop so I can get one made for me with the stuff I want on it. So then I drive around for a while but don't see anything.
Then I see a Starbucks and remember that they have some pre-made sandwiches. I go in but the only sandwiches they have are egg salad (not good for the tummy today) and the others look soggy from sitting in the case all day. One of the salads looks good but I think, well, if I am going to eat a salad, I should go next door to Noodles & Company and get a good, big salad. So I go over and pick up a menu.
I am for some reason intimidated by all the high school punks working there. I am worried that they will point and laugh and yell “you looser – you have no friends – you are eating by yourself! And you have a big head!”
So I quickly point to a salad that has the word Thai in it, Thai is always good.
"Chicken with that?"
“Sure.”
I don’t order a drink, because I have water in the car.
So $9.00 later, I am sitting waiting for my salad. I decide to take it to go because the whole place smells like dirty wash rags and I am still insecure around the teeny boppers. So I go to my car and drive to a shady (sort of) spot in a parking lot.
Ahh, finally time to eat. And of course - the salad is NASTY!
It's soaked in spicy Caesar dressing. Ok, I am a saucy person, I love condiments; I soak my pancakes in butter and drown my macaroni in gravy, and I usually like my dressing pretty heavy. But the lettuce is like drowning in it. And the chicken is GROSS! It's got skin on it; it tastes just like fried chicken from KFC, which by the way, I hate. And to top it off, the dressing is SUPER spicy.
So I go to get a drink of water. Stupid me! What was I thinking? This water bottle has been sitting in my car all day and it's like 90 degrees out.
So it's BOILING hot, but the dressing is sooo spicy that I have to drink it.
Ugh, THAT’S IT! I can't even eat this salad!
So what do I do?
Go to Costco to get a hot dog!
What did I learn from this experience?
The desire to not puke will always supersede the desire to eat healthy – so just eat a hot dog.

Maybe if I can apply this same “eat a hot dog” theory to other areas of my life, I would be a much happier girl.

Mexican Shits

2005-06-29T09:15:00.000-06:00

So one of my best friends just returned from her honeymoon.
Here’s a recent IM exchange we had:

Mande:
Can I tell you how sick I am of having the Mexican shits?
Both Spencer and I have still not shit normal- its getting old.
I mean all the wonderful colors are great- but my God the burning is uncalled for...
We have been home almost a week now- and still no solid shits... I could really go for a shit where I had to push instead of running to the bathroom cuz you’re afraid to fart cuz it might leak out...ok enough details on the Mexican shit.
Jasmina:
Oh no! That is hilarious! Can I quote you on that in my blog?
Mande:
Ya, sure.
Jasmina:
Oooo, can you send me a pic. of you guys in Mexico?
Mande:
I even have one of me on the toilet or one of our Mexican shit. It is sooo gross but you can have it- if you want.
Jasmina:
OH MY GOD! You do????????????????
Mande:
Ya...that is Spencer for ya. Not my idea at all- but I guess I am the one that kept it…it made me laugh too hard so I had to keep it. I know we are an odd couple... but you just don’t understand the Mexican shits- you would have taken a pic. too, for how much time you spent on the toilet.
Jasmina:
Oh dear lord - that is the grossest thing I have ever seen!
I can't believe how open you are about this stuff! So f-ing funny!
Mande:
Ok now - the shit picture is Spencers NOT mine! And the sad thing is that is a second flush... so if you saw the first one... OH MY GOD!!

I had the shit picture on here - but it was just too nasty! But if you really really want to see it - click here http://xs35.xs.to/pics/05263/MexicanS.jpg

Endless Summer

2005-06-28T11:30:00.000-06:00

Last night I had the pleasure of enjoying a few of my favorite things –
A warm summer night, a Rockies game, the company of a good friend, flip-flops, and a hotdog!

Isn’t summer the best?
When you are a kid, you wait all school year for summer. As the days begin to grow longer, you count down the minutes, imagining all the adventures you’ll stumble upon. And finally, it arrives, you are granted 3 months of freedom! You spend your days riding bikes with your friends, chasing after the ice cream man, and if you were really good – a trip to the beach! Then as dusk arrives, you get to lay in the front porch swing, drinking a glass of cold lemonade, trading cabbage patch kid cards with the neighbors. Then it's dinner time, and you are called to the backyard for a barbeque, complete with potato salad, grape soda and hotdogs!!! To end yet another perfect day, you spend the rest of the night running barefoot through the grass, chasing fireflies and hoping to steal a kiss from your summer crush.

As I get older, the sheer joy of summer hasn’t faded.
Sure, the lemonade has changed to beer, the 3 months of freedom is packed into 15 glorious weekends, but we will always have hotdogs, flip-flops and fireworks!
Magnificent, wonderful fireworks!

Fourth of July is only 6 days away, and I for one can’t wait!

Craft Corner Deathmatch

2005-06-27T14:04:00.000-06:00

Do you dare to decoupage? Are you aesthetically aggressive? Is pain on your palette? Then maybe, just maybe, you're tough enough to handle... Craft Corner Deathmatch, every Thursday night at 9 on the Style Network.

This is a REAL show on a REAL network.
Wow, I am not sure if this is the funniest or most disturbing thing I have ever seen.

The best part is the "All About Amber" page.

"Amber loves rainbows and unicorns."

Nic, Em, Mande - what do you gals think? Are your scrapbooking skills fine tuned enough to take on The Craft Lady of Steel?

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper

2005-06-24T14:44:00.000-06:00

Feeling a little tired this afternoon, I decided I needed some caffeine to pep me up. So I checked out the vending machines here at work for the first time. I just started this job a couple weeks ago – and you have to pay for soda here. Which sucks, cause at Mongrel & Bastard (my former place of employment) the soda’s were free. Ok, well not really – they were a quarter, but I always just stole quarters out of the receptionist’s desk.

Anyway, we have two big soda machines here. I wanted to drink something with caffeine, so my usual Sprite was out of the question – so I was pleasantly surprised to see that we had Diet Dr. Pepper. Or so I thought! As I reached down to extract the soda from the machine, I realized I had just bought a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper! What the heck?

I have been perplexed by this flavor since the first time I saw the commercials for it – it’s diet, and cherry, and vanilla and a doctor and a pepper? How can they possibly fit that many flavors into one little can? I don’t like cherry flavored stuff anyway – so I was disappointed at this colossal mistake I had just made! But being the cheap ass that I am – I didn’t want to spend another $.50 on something better, so I decided to give it a shot.

And you know what? It’s not half bad!
It’s like a fine Napa pinot noir. Layer with complex flavors…(sniff)… the robust Dr. being the first thing you can taste…but you can still find…(more sniffs)…a little pepper….maybe some diet…and there’s even a hint of like cherry…or like a nutty vanilla.

Are you chewing gum?

Where everybody knows your name...

2005-06-24T10:16:00.000-06:00

So I was watching Cheers last night - it was the episode where the restaurant upstairs gets a new owner and there is all this commotion about the patrons of the restaurant being too stuffy for a bar like Cheers. And Sam gets all fired up at the demands of the new owner, who is requesting that Woody take reservations and transfer drinks from the bar up to their dinner tab, etc. (By the way - don't you think Woody Harrelson was at his peak as that lovable dopey jackass?) Anyway - my point is - why is the entrance to this restaurant in the bar? You have to take stairs UP to the restaurant, right? And you have to take stairs DOWN to the bar. So doesn't that make the restaurant at street level? Why wouldn't people just walk in the front door?

Sam Malone

seriously...am I retarded?

2005-06-23T17:46:00.000-06:00

Ahh - I just wanted to get a picture of me over in the "about me" section - but I am obviously a moron cause this is the only place I can get photos to go.

Anyway, that's me in the middle with some sluts I picked up at the bar.

Rules

2005-06-23T14:02:00.000-06:00

Here are the rules that you must abide by if you are going to read (and love) this blog…

When commenting on a post, NEVER EVER be funnier than I am – if you do, I will come to your house, cut off your fingers and glue them to your forehead. Just try to type like that funny pants!
Don’t get mad when I tell really embarrassing, horrible stories about you. EMBRACE!
If I make up an excuse for not hanging out with you and then you check on here and realize I was really just out harassing random boys – don’t get mad. A girl has her needs.
Laugh – out loud – a lot. I am funny dang it, and I want everyone within a two block radius of you to know how funny I am too.

If you don’t abide by these rules….well, I don’t know…I would say that I would ask God to give you babies with heads bigger than mine (bigger even then Bill’s!) but due to my recent humping rampage, we aren’t really on the best of terms. So, do with these what you will.

Welcome!!!

2005-06-23T13:21:00.000-06:00

Yippee!
My very own blog to hug and kiss and cuddle and dress up in cute outfits!